The Death of Mary Sue 3: Pirates of the Caribbean
by CreativeSprite
Summary: Ever wanted to see Jack's only daughter fed to the sharks? Ever wanted to see Will's only sister forced to walk the plank? You've come to the right place. Sue slayers, Alex and Alice team up to give each and every Mary Sue the horrible death they deserve.
1. A new teammate

A/N: This is the third installment of my series "the death of Mary Sue." This installment was written together by myself and Apollo Night. This is our first joined project and we hope you like it. I own Alex and Raven, Apollo owns Alice and Dexter

Alice was excited, in fact she was down right livid. After she was made to take 3 weeks off work due to a work related incident Mac was allowing her to get back into the field of Sue hunting. Though she was no longer partners with the human train that was Sandy, she was still psyched to be doing something besides sitting in the therapist offices having him ask "now how does that make you feel?" four thousand times.

She was waiting patiently in a room to meet her new partners. Dexter the tiger was currently sleeping soundly at her feet. Alice worked for an organization called the Sue Slayers United. They trained people to hunt and kill Mary Sues from different fandom's. The SSU was technically in its own "world" not in any specific canon, which meant there was no limit to what you would see around her. People who have been working here long enough no longer gave a second glance at the walking trees or screams that can from the lower parts of the building any more.

Just then Alice saw two women walk in, not missing a beat she jumped to her feet. Though it did little to improve her height, Alice stood at a whole 5'2" ( counting the top of her spiky black hair) she was so thin that she looked much like a nine year old boy. She looked very pixy like in general and didn't look like she would make much of a hunter to people who didn't know her that well. Though her skin was white, her eyes where shaped like she had some Asian blood in her family somewhere.

She smiled at the two new woman, "hey, I'm Alice."

"Call me Alex," one of the women shook her hand. She had long black hair and very pale skin. Her eyes were a reddish brown and her canine teeth were pointed. A witch-turned vampire, Alex was often changed into human form for many of her assignments. She was three inches taller than Alice at 5'5''. She wore tight black pants with a white shirt and vest, her high heeled boots had hidden daggers. She sniffed the air.

"Hmm, someone smells nice." She grinned evilly.

"Stop that you," the other woman smacked her lightly. "She just likes to freak people out."

Alice smiled wickedly back. "No worries. I think it's a complement. But I wouldn't eat me if I where you. You now what they say, Asian food never keeps you full for long. Eat me and you'll just be hungry again in an hour."

Alex chuckled.  
I'm Raven," Alex's partner introduced herself. Persephone "Raven" Riddle was a reformed sue from Hogwarts. Her real name, ironically, was Helen Kelleher. Previously an emo-sue, she became disillusioned with the sue way of life and developed into a healthy character after an encounter with Alex. Currently the only sue to become a slayer, she was currently the SSU's greatest expert on the creatures they hunted. She had dark bushy hair and a square jaw, and as Alex had discovered, a strong coffee addiction. She was dressed more casually than Alex is a purple buttoned-up shirt with the sleeves rolled back and plain black pants and sneakers. She was taller than both of the other women at 5'7".

At her feet was a wolverine named Tassie, assigned to the pair after Alex's hound "Sirius" was killed in a battle against a sue at Hogwarts. All sue slayers had an animal as a form of protection against the animal companions of the sues. There was nothing quite like being gored form behind by a sparkly pink unicorn, and Alex had the scars to prove it. The same sue, a Queen sue named Celeste, had kidnapped Toby, the rookie Alex had been training

Tassie eyed Alice's tiger.

"Don't make me put you on a leash," she warned him. Tassie was infamous for starting fights with other animals. Tassie gave her a look that said "who, me? I wasn't going to do anything."

"Glad to see you've met," their cigar-smoking boss Agent Macintyre grinned. "You won't believe where I'm sending you three."

"I read the case file," Alex looked at him.

"I thought I'd bring Agent Morgan here up to speed," he turned to Alice. "How do you feel about Pirates?"

Alice's eyes widen as a smile that looks to big for her face creeps across it.

"Filthy, back stabbing, murderess, dogs of the sea? Love them!" She cried jumping up and down a few times. Dexter was just waking up and was looking lazily at the wolverine briefly thinking about eating it, he never liked to work with other animals to begin with. But the demised the thought knowing the one called Alex probably wouldn't have been too happy about that.

Mac smiled making his bushy moustache twitch a little.

"Great! I'll be sending you to "Pirates of the Caribbean" in about that hour. I'm a bit busy at the moment so I'll have to leave it up to you, I'll leave you three alone so you can brief Agent Morgan and get to know one anther. Kay will come to get you when we're ready." Though before he left he took Alex by the arm and dragged her out of ear shot of the others.

"Agent Arganough, I know how... you tend to get sometimes and it would be nice if you could just tone it down a little. You see something happen to Agent Morgan, she saw something in her last mission that should never be seen by any Sue Slayer or other wise. And I need you to keep I eye on her in case she.... has a relapse."

"Hear you loud and clear captain," she assured him, almost sarcastically, wondering what horrors Alice had witnessed. It must have horrific if Mac was asking nicely rather than gruffly ordering them around as usual. She watched Mac leave the room and then grimaced.

"Now to be morphed into a human again, don't start anything without me," she left the room in the direction of the science wing.

"While she's doing that, we'll go pick out our gear," Raven told Alice. "We'll need to dress appropriately for the era, but also for our jobs. And that's when we'll pick out our weapons and after that we'll receive the aliases and cover we'll be assuming for the mission. Personally I wish they could make up Privateers, they were paid by the crown to do pirate stuff to the enemies in war time, but that would take too much string pulling. I'd settle for mercenaries."

Alice nodded, "I may have been out of work for a long time but it wasn't THAT long," she rolled her eyes.

Raven shrugged.

"Mac said you where a rookie when you had your…accident. He didn't say how much training you'd had."

" nuff to know how not to make a moron of myself, or get myself killed at lest," said Alice. Raven wasn't to sure but she thought she saw Alice's eye twitch at the word "accident".

Raven steered Alice toward the armoury. It was its own wing at the SSU headquarters, full of many weapons. She found her way towards the Pirate section.

"Take your pick," Raven told her. "Usually they're pretty good about weapons, as long as the weapon doesn't defy the laws of the universe you're allowed to have it."

She picked up what looked like a thick wooden club.

"Wooden baton with a lead core, they can stop swords if you know how to use them properly."

Swords were a weapon made to kill, but batons could kill or merely stun depending on how they were used. It was a weapon she liked.

"I know Alex likes knives, since they're allowed into most worlds."

Alice gave all the weapons a good look over. "I usually like the lighter weapons myself. Daggers are always fun to have but my heart will always belong to the ones that go off with a bang," she said with a grin that almost made Raven re-think about Alice's sanity.

She picked out a Cutlass first, then a few pistols knowing they only took one shot each, then her eyes light up as she picked up an old iron hand grenade. "Did you know that pirates had some of the first hand grenades?" she chuckled lightly like she just told a joke and not sharing a fact about a deadly weapon.

But before Raven can answer her question Alice let out a, rather loud, scream of delight "oh hell yeah!" Alice cried as she picked up a Blunderbuss. "These babies got the power of a one person canon! God I love Pirates!"

Before long Alice's arms where so full of weapons that she even made Raven hold a couple.

"Sorry about this. I'm such a weapons freak I forget I'm probably not going to use half this stuff some times," the small hunter said smiling up at Raven apologetically.

Raven shrugged and shifted her arm a little so she could hold the weapons more comfortably. "You never know. I know Alex wants to do an acid bath this time."

"Acid bath? Sweet! I can totally get into something like that!" Alice said happily still looking over the weapons.

She picked up two pistols. "Normally I don't like using guns that you have to reload after every shot, but it always pays to have a long range weapon on you. I just wish I could have one of those rapid-fire crossbows Hugh Jackman used in Van Helsing."

"God that would be cool," Alice nodded in argument.

"Arg matey," Alex's growl signalled her arrival. She was human once again, her hair done in lots of tiny braids and held back with a red bandana.

"Speaking of Van Helsing," Raven said dryly. "You look like Princess Anna." She referred to Alex's costume. "You do realize black clothes fade quickly? Despite what the sues think, "Inky black flowing skirts" don't stay that way for long. Usually black clothes go grey or brown over time."

"At least they gave me a tan, it's hard to chase sues if your skin is blistering."

Raven winced. "I know, the sues with pale skin always act surprised when they start to bubble like a Barbie doll in a microwave."

"But it is fun to watch," the smaller hunter added not even looking up.

Alex turned to the weapons before this revolting conversation could continue and started rifling through them, choosing a sword, some daggers and a few hand grenades. Then she looked closely at Raven.

"Is it just me, or has your hair gone more brown?"

"Probably," Raven replied. "They're still working on draining the rest of the sue energy out of me, they've said from now on if I want black hair I've got to dye it like everyone else. Did you get our covers?"

Alex nodded and pulled out three envelopes, handing one to Raven and Alice each.

"I remember the old days when we didn't even need back stories, but too often cannon character became suspicious when the slayers started contradicting each other and making up crap on the spot. I also remember when they used to let us create our own characters, but now they make them for us. They say letting us do it ourselves leads us into the kind of wish-fulfilment you see with sues."

"That's true," Raven agreed. "But I hope they don't use them same writer for each one, otherwise they'd run out of ideas and everything would kinda end up the same."

"It's not too important seeing as how we're just supposed to pop in and out. We're not even supposed to talk to the Cannon characters if we can avoid it. We are like the ninjas, assassins in the darkness." Alex finished lamely.

Alice rolled her eyes. She really didn't much care either way. She wasn't here long enough to know about the making your own stories part and as long as it wasn't a Sue back ground she didn't much care who wrote it.

Raven raised an eyebrow at Alex and she coughed, then opened her envelope.

"Oh joy. I'm a twenty-five year old pirate." It was hard to tell if she was being sarcastic or not. "I was a street urchin, the illegitimate child of a prostitute and a pirate. I started off as a pickpocket before working my way into piracy. And there's some more crap here about how I disguised myself as a boy to serve on board a merchant ship, ship was taken over by pirates," Alex skimmed.

"And said pirate captain turned out to be my blood father though neither of us was aware of it at the time. Instead of feeding me to his lust-starved crew, he took me in and raised me like a daughter, something about being impressed by my battle skills and tough attitude." Alex made a face. "Sounds like sueish back-story to me, but whatever. What about you Raven?"

Raven read her "Character". "I'm eighteen, my father was a pirate-hunter working with the Navy. It turns out his brother was a pirate and he was hung under Cutler Beckett's law of "guilty by association." I fled, and I met up with you, and you decided not to kill me and let me join your crew. What about you Alice?" Raven asked.

Before Alice could read it she put down her arm full of weaponry on a near by table and open the envelope.

" I'm sixteen--WHAT!?! That's bullshit!! Just because of my size they think they can make me younger! I'm twenty-one damnit!! I can drink and have sex with who ever the hell I want!!" Alice ranted as her face turned red. In all truth the other hunters thought she was around 16 too and just hadn't hit puberty yet, but they weren't planning on saying that out loud any time soon. After taking a few deep breaths like her therapist taught her to do she began to read again.

"I'm the daughter of Anne Dieu-le-Veut- huh, at lest they did some back ground check with me. Blah, blah, blah, grew up on coast, blah, blah wanted to be on the open seas, blah. Anyway it goes on to say I went off on my own to make a name for myself and hooked up with you guys after a bar fight in Tortuga. Not to shady I guess, besides for the 16 part," Alice hissed the word 16 like it was a curse.  
She turned to Raven, "you ready to change too? If I'm lucky they'll make me taller!" she jumped up and down compliantly forgetting about the fit she threw over being 16.

"I'm ready," Raven nodded. "And I'm sure we can convince them to make you taller."

They made their way to the science labs. There stood a large tube that looked vaguely like the teleported machine in the 1986 version of The Fly. A woman sat at a computer panel and looked up.

"Alex said you might be coming. What changes would you like to make? You're not a vampire like Alex, so I don't think you'd need to change species."

Alice raised her hand, "I'm not really human, I mean I am just not a normal human,"

"Alrightly," the woman told her. "I'll just program the standard Homo Sapian DNA into the machine.

"Sweet,"

"We both need a tan," Raven told her. "You know, sun gets hot on the open water. Plus Alice would like to be a few inches taller, it'd make her image of a bloodthirsty pirate a bit more believable."

"Alright, what height would you like to be? I have to warn you, I'd have to change you back once your mission is over."

" I know they told me that the first time, no matter how many times I threatened them," she sighed deeply and looked like she was thinking. "Make me around 5'5', and make my hair longer and turn it more brownish black. Since my Mom's Anne Dieu-le-Veut now I guess I can't be half-Korean any more, that should cover it."

The lady put something into the computer and nodded.

"All right, step into the scanner and you'll be all good."

Without missing a bet Alice hopped into the tube like thing and there was a sound like a machine starting up and then there was a bright flash of light. Alice stepped out with a toothy smile on her now tan rougher looking face. Her brown hair was now pulled up into a sloppy ponytail with a few wild strands falling out of it. She was now wearing loose baggy brown paints and a white shirt with a cracked leather vest with a red sash tied around her waist.

"I've said it before and I'll say it again. I. Love. Pirates!" Alice cried in joy pulling on her new selves.

Then it was Raven's turn.

"Here it goes." She stepped into the tube and was greeted by the flash of light. When she stepped out, she was also tanned and her wild dark hair was covered with a leather hat. She wore a white billowy shirt with a brown bodice and plain brown pants and boots.

She shrugged.

"The pirate wardrobe is pretty restricted to mostly browns and blacks," the woman operating the machine apologized.

"Whatever," Raven stuffed her baton into the belt. "Our mission statement says that Alex's crew was killed in a storm, the two of us survived and we met you in Tortuga." She told Alice. "We will be given a boat small enough for three of us to operate by ourselves. Holy moley," Raven grinned. "Why do I suddenly know everything about sailing?"

"Shit, me too! That weird! I can't even work the microwave in the lunch room!" Alice cried out.

"You don't know everything," the operator told her. "Just what you need to know for your mission. Mac has appointed Alex your captain, though you'll all have to agree on a name for the boat."

"Alex and her ego..." Raven muttered. "She's going to be insufferable. But I guess she is the most experienced slayer. Damn it, that's why they gave her the character who was experienced as a pirate, to put her in an authority position."

It was then that Raven realized that she really had no idea how long Alex had been a slayer, but she was really only new to it herself.

"We can't forget the sue scanners," Raven reminded herself. "Though I'm still only getting the hang of reading the damn things. Does Dexter need to go through? Tassie can probably stay as he is."

"Yeah he does. I don't think any of us want to be in a tiny boat with a tiger. A HUNGRY tiger, he still bites me when I don't feed him," Alice through a dirty look at Dexter who was napping in the corner. "Lazy thing," Alice muttered as she got him up and into the scanner.

In a flash Dexter was turned into a shaggy orange tabby cat. He trotted over to Alice and gave a cut meow before walking out the door.

"Hey I'll be right back I left my stuff in the weapon room," Alice said pointing over her shoulder.

As she ran out she pasted Alex who was walking into the room.

"Mac's busy with another team getting ready to go and purge Twilight of all the human/vampire hybrid sues. I don't envy the one who has to go after Victoria/Charlie's love child."

"What?" Raven snorted. "That's fucked up, even for Twilight. Stephanie Myer said that female vampires can't have kids."

Alex shrugged. "Sue slaying 101, you can't expect logic from them. Anyway, like he said, we'll get a call from Kay once the portal is ready."

Something buzzed in a pouch at her waist.

"There he is now, where's Alice?"

"Here," Alice called from right behind her.

Alex and Raven jumped, they didn't even hear Alice come from behind her. Which was weird for Alex, she always heard people sneak up on her.

She somehow managed to fit all her weapons onto her, the Blunderbuss strapped to her back with a new leather sash around her shoulder and waist with a few pistols and the grenade in it too. The Cutlass tucked into the one around her waist with even more pistols and two daggers in her in her boots. Needless to say the cute pixie looking girl they first meet was gone. Dexter was at her feet ready to go with her.

"And I picked up a scanner too, hope that's okay," she handed it to Alex. "I don't have any room to put this," she said with a cheeky smile.

"No problem. Kay's calling, the portal's ready."

Alex, Raven and Alice found themselves in front of a star-gate style portal. Alex was wondering if they had any slayers from that world that had inspired the design. Kay was waiting for them.

"Here, you'll need this," he handed something to Alex that looked like a small capsule.

"Instant boat, just add water," she read in a suspicious tone.

"Coooool!! Now all they have to do is make one for hot guys and we're set," Alice said reading over Alex's shoulder now she was tall enough.

Alex smirked.

"Now that's something I'd pay for."

" hell I'd kill for that," Alice chuckled.

Raven would have done a face-palm if she could get away with it. It seemed Alex and Alice where getting along like a house on fire. She wouldn't be surprised if this was some kind of test too see how well they worked together, hell she wouldn't be shocked if Mac was thinking of teaming the duo on a permanent basis. He usually had about fifty different reasons for doing things and he had been bugging her about taking a teaching position, or working in Sue rehab. He told her they could use her unique knowledge and experience, but she also knew he didn't want an ex-sue doing field work. Didn't want to risk her changing back to the girl she used to be. She'd heard the whispers in the lunch room, many of the slayers didn't think she belonged there, liked the idea of her as a field agent even less. She knew for a fact Agent Pitrofski had a bet going on to see how long it would be before she stabbed them in the back. Pushing her into an admin job was a solution that would keep everyone happy. She would be making herself useful without rocking the boat.

Then Kay handed her a small silver stick-like object.

"It's a neuralizor," he told her after she stared at it dumbly for a few seconds.

"A what?" she replied feeling like a dumbass.

"Those mind-wipe things from Men in Black?" Alex asked as a way of replying to Raven's question without condescending her.

"You guessed right," Kay looked at Alice. "No playing around with it."

" Oh I accidently erase Dean Winchester's mind one time and no one will let me forget it." Alice whined, crossing her arms.

The Alex remembered when she came back from her assignment in Middle Earth, and Kay said the Winchesters were having a hard time with sues. Was Alice the one he had sent?

"And let me guess, it's only to be used in extreme circumstances. Like if a cannon character has a bad experience or something." Raven caught on.

Alice frowned, she remembered those things from the Winchester mission they wait on. Though Sandy told her it was only a prototype and not to us it to much in case it did some kind of damage. (Though she found that out the hard way.) Alice didn't know they where handing them out now. (god she hoped they worked out the kinks.... poor Dean.) Was she really out of work that long?

"I don't remember using these before," Alex narrowed her eyes suspiciously.

"It's just a little something the boys in the lab cooked up. They're pretty new. We think they've managed to work out most of the kinks, but only use the direst circumstances. The last thing we want is poor Will waking up with no memory of the last two weeks. Jack would chalk it up to the rum, but it's not normal for someone sane."

Alice coughed into her hand and looked away with a "I know nothing" look.

"We'll be careful, Dad," Alex rolled her eyes. Tassie sniffed her boots and lifted his leg like he was getting ready to pee. Alex nudged him away with her foot.

Alice burst out laughing.... well pointing and laughing, at Alex.

Kay gave a thumbs up to a geeky-looking guy with a laptop computer. He pressed a few buttons and then the empty portal-frame became a blue swirling vortex.

Tassie's fur stood on end and he hissed like an angry cat. Dexter shot Tassie a dirty look and scoff, a cat like scoff, at how jumpy the newbie was.

"Cut-through pirates, evil queen Sue's and a hostage situation? This is going to be fun!" cheered Alice as they stepped through the gate.

Kay sighed.

"Be careful girls…"

"Ye-ha!" Alex shrieked and jumped in after her. Raven made a face and picked up a struggling and growling Tassie. She took a deep breathe and followed through the vortex.

"…and good luck."


	2. Port Royal

A/N: I'm sorry it takes us so long to get a chapter up, but I promise you that we do work on it pretty much everyday. Thanks to everyone who reviewed, and if you want to see a certain sue killed don't hesitate to tell us.

Alex! Now!" Raven yelled over the sound of the shrieking wind. Alex threw down the instant boat capsule and the moment it hit the water it turned into a boat they recognized as a "sloop". Then they all hit the deck with a thud.

"Dumping us out in the open water," Alex muttered as she rubbed a sore spot on her back. "Thanks a lot, Kay."

"Think of it this way Alex: it would have been an interesting day for the people of Port Royal if we'd been dumped anywhere closer."

The boat's sails went up, and it sailed across the shimmering water, the wheel turning by itself every once in a while. Luckily the boat was all machine under the wood and was programmed to drive itself. It was a good thing seeing as how either Alex or Alice would have driven it into a rock or something.

"Help meeeee!" cried Alice. She was tangled in the ropes of the sails and dangling a good ten feet above them.

Alex stood and laughed while Raven set Tassie down on the deck and then started climbing the ropes towards Alice.

"Hang on!" she worked at the ropes, trying to untie them without cutting them. Tassie and Dexter watched with great interest. Thankfully Raven managed to detangle Alice without sending either of them flying onto the deck below.

Raven climbed down the ropes. Alice followed Raven. "Thanks a bunch, Raven," Alice said. She threw a dirty look at Alex, who smirked.

"I hope one of us remembered a map," Raven muttered then saw the rolled up paper shoved into Alex's sash.

"It was below deck!" she called. "There's everything we need down there!"

"So there are hot guys, beer, a TV with a dish, and a gourmet chef down there?" Alice asked hopefully. She pulled out the splinters she got from climbing down the mast.

"Unfortunately, no," Alex replied sadly.

"Damn."

"That's the pitty," Raven grinned. "We all know you love hot guys. Especially the ones with muscles."

"And dark, sexy hair with bright eyes and a English accent. Is that too much to ask?" mummbled Alice to herself.

Alex gave Raven a "shut they h-ey up" expression, which she cheerfully ignored.

"I mean, nice going Alex. Deamus was pretty cute and those muscles, wow."

"Wasn't he at the academy with you?" Alex asked.

"Nope, they kept the guys in a different section. They didn't want any of the guys and gals getting too attached to each other. But Deamus was certainly attached to you. And by you, I mean your mouth."

Again that smile that looked too big for her face creep across her mouth. Alice's dark eyes lit up.

"Oh, who's Deamus?" Alice asked snaking closer to Alex.

"Deamus is a Gary Stu from our last mission at Hogwarts. He was Shamus and Dean's love child form the future." Alex told her, stating the facts.

"He also had a major crush on you as I recall," Raven grinned. "And as I recall, the feeling was mutual."

"Was not," Alex blushed.

"Oh, so kissing him was what, research?"

"Eeeewwwww! You kissed a Stu!? God, I won't even do that if I was wasted... Ok maybe if I was wasted, but still, that's fucking gross." Alice mimicked throwing up and tried not to laugh at the same time. "You didn't like, like him did you?!"

"I think of it as assault," Alex grumbled, not entirely truthful. She did hate the way his Stu magic was turning her nice, though she was sure Deamus had no idea he was doing it. He just didn't seem smart enough to manipulate anyone on purpose. "He accidently poisoned himself drinking shampoo and I was going to smother him with his pillow but he caught me and I had to pretend to be concerned. He thought I cared and the rest was history. He did help us, he helped us fight against Celeste and distracted her when she tried to kill me. The whole dimension was about to collapse and he sacrificed himself to hold her so she's be destroyed. He failed, but then again he was never very bright."

" I was listening all the way up to the shampoo part, but after that my mind went a little blank there. He drank SHAMPOO!?!" Alice asked, thinking she heard wrong.

Alex nodded. Alice burst out laughing.

"He thought it was a milkshake. There were also the incest twins, Fred and George got each other pregnant and the resulting children went back in time with Deamus. They killed themselves in a head butting contest. There was also a Snape's daughter Sue who accidently broke her own neck while flipping her hair."

"You're shitting me?! And I thought I had to deal with some stupid Sues!" Alice said, shaking her head.

"They weren't a smart bunch. Deamus wasn't too bad though, and he was starting to change," Raven admitted. "When he thought Alex genuinely cared about him changed so that he was halfway normal. He would have rehabilitated if he'd made it out. But anyone who drinks shampoo is an accident waiting to happen." She considered telling Alice about her own history but she wasn't sure how she would react. She told her anyway, it's not like it wasn't all over the SSU already.

"I was a Sue as well, an Emo Sue. Alex told us that she wasn't just a background character JK Rowling never mentioned or an innocent fanfiction character. She told us she was like us, from the real world. She decided to become a background character rather than a Sue so she could avoid the Sue Slayers. When the other Sues started disappearing, I realized there was a slayer hiding amongst us. I figured it was Alex, and I switched sides. I was getting sick of it anyway, all the giggling and the big hair and how everyone measured their self-worth over whether or not some guy liked them. It just wasn't worth it."

Alice stayed quiet the whole time Raven talked, which was very weird for the small hunter. She seemed to have a "snappy" come back for everything. After Raven finished her story, Alice just kept staring at her.

"Dude, that totally kicks ass," Alice said after about a minute. "I'm glad you're on our team. Any Sue smart enough to switch sides would be a huge problem for us later."

Alice smiled at Raven, she didn't really give a shit if she used to be a Sue. "The past is the past. That's where you should leave your problems." That's what her Mom always said. Then again, her Mom was a pot smoking hippie, but Alice figured she kind of knew what she was talking about.

"So what about you?" Alex asked Alice. "What's your story?"

"And what worlds have you been in so far?" Raven added.

"Me? Well I'm from the Marvel universes, I grew up on a Hippie compound," she stopped to glare at her companions. "Laugh and I'll kill you. Both my 'rents were all peace and love and stuff and lived in a community that cared and all, so I have no fucking idea where my inner rage comes from. I had seven brothers and sisters, but since I was the youngest, most of them had moved out by the time I was born." Alice paused, like she was thinking about a memory of long ago.

"When I turned 11 I found out I was a mutant. It was my Mom that found Xavier's School for Gifted Youngsters. I think I was kinda lucky, most people hated us, even some kids' 'rents hated there own kids. But like I said, hippies love everyone so they were so happy for me when they found out. Saying it was a 'gift from Mother Earth'." Alice sighed deeply and scratched her head. "Anyway, I was at the school for like a year before I saw my first Sue. I think she was Wolverine's daughter or something. She totally tripped up all the teachers and some of the other kids, but some of us were left alone and saw right through her giggle 'n shit act. Unfortunately for her, one night I was put on kitchen duty with her and one thing lead to another. I kinda bashed her head in with a pan for saying something about how I couldn't reach the cabinets." Alice snorted rather un-lady like as if she found it very funny.

"Next thing I know, this guy named Mac shows up and acts like he and Prof. X are ol' buddies and asked if he could take me to his special program. Now here I am." Alice opened her arms wide for dramatic effect. "And counting my world I've been to three. Now it's YOUR turn, Alex. Me and Raven spilled our souls, it's only fair if you tell us about you."

Alex took a breath and relaxed back on the rail of the ship.

"I was in a world similar to Hogwarts. It was Wolfsbane's academy for witches in Canada, but my mum was British. I have no idea who my father is. My mother had a few husbands and it could have been any of them. The magic was different to Harry Potter but it was kinda similar with the whole school house thing and whatnot. One of the major differences was that shape shifting was taught as a subject, not like Harry Potter where turning into an animal was rare. I was one of the students who managed it. I could turn into a black cat and I had a nasty bad luck hex. I lost both of these skills when I became a vampire, though I will always be fond of cats," she smiled as Dexter.

"I shouldn't be proud of it, but I was the girl all the other girls would go to for "favors." If they wanted a bad luck hex on an ex-friend or a boyfriend who'd cheated on them, they would come to me. I also sold a fair bit of Wizard Weed in my time. I'm not sure what you could call what I did…"

"Apart from criminal?" Raven sniggered.

" Wizard Weed? That sounds like good shit. How can I get some?" Alice asked, raising an eyebrow.

"If I swung by my home world, I could get some. I guess you could say I had a lot of influence. When I graduated, I took my criminal aspirations further. I was a paid assassin. I was on a job in Russia when I met a vampire by the name of Dmitri Ivanov. He was hunting down an old enemy, a man who was also on my hit list."Alex traced a pattern in the wood with her finger, and Raven knew she was almost up to the part of the story they were waiting for, her turning.

"When that man was dead, we discovered we worked quite well together and he travelled with me as I hunted the other men on my list. During our time together we grew…close." Alex smiled at the memory. "But then he was targeted by some little Buffy wannabe and the bitch got a lucky shot. I tracked her down. Stupid girl! Long, blonde hair down to her knees and violet-blue eyes "like sunset in a velvet sky." I think she meant violet sky, but you can't expect logic or decent spelling from a Sue."

Then Alex smiled.

"Oooh the things I did to her! Dmitri told me that if he had to die he wanted to die a violent death, but I wasn't going to let that girl think she was so big and bad because she got lucky. Turns out she was a Vampire Slayer Sue, and she was trying to impress some hero. A Sue Slayer found what was left of her, and the SSU tracked me down. I don't blame all Sues for what happened to my husband. Mac saw it as an opportunity to channel of my skills as an assassin into something useful. Mac never made it a secret that he never approved of my past actions, even though most of the people I was hired to kill were criminals who escaped the system, I had a reputation for being able to kill the dangerous types, the ones other people didn't want to take on. There was something incredibly satisfying in killing someone who deserves it."

"Oh that reminds me, Alex," Raven perked up. "I found a whole lot of acid below deck for that acid bath you wanted to do, and rum."

Alex nodded.

"Alcohol is flammable, we can douse one of the sues and light her up. So you had a mission with the Winchester brothers?" Alex asked Alice. "How do they deal with unholy demons there? I remember something about salt."

" Salt the bones so they can't come back as ghosts. Holy water, silver, things like that. We did that to some really nasty Sue's so they couldn't come back. Surprisingly it works on those Sues that keep coming back to life. But would that work here? I know there are ghosts here, too, but would salt work in this canon?"

Alex shrugged.

"We'll keep it in mind if we ever run into any Vampire Sues. They're usually rare in this canon, so we probably won't find any."

Alice shuddered. "I HATE Vampire Sues! They never get it right."

"I would love to fight a Vamp-Sue as a vampire. Show them down it's done…" Alex smirked.

Raven played with her baton. "At least I'll get to bash some heads in," she grinned like an evil clown. "Where are we headed to first?"

"Port Royal," Alex replied.

"How far is that?"

Alex shrugged.

"Don't look at me! We could be a mile from England for all I know," Alice said.

Raven went bellow deck and came back with her arms full of rum.

"Well I say we get plastered and sing 'one hundred million bottles of rum on the wall.'"

"Nah, we're in POTC now! It's 'A Pirate's Life for Me' or nothing at all!" Alice cried taking a rum bottle and took a swig.

Twenty minutes later, Alex and Raven were spinning around the deck arm in arm.

"Yo ho! Yo ho! A pirate's life for meeeeee!"

Tassie and Dexter both huddled below deck to avoid being trampled on.

Alice was sitting on the deck laughing at them. "You guys are fucking light weights, man!" She took another swig from her rum, then sighed when she saw it was empty. "Why is the rum always gone? Hey! Shouldn't we get there soon?"

As soon as she spoke, the boat pulled into the harbor.

Alex stepped off the boat only to wobble slightly.

"It's a shilling to tie your boat to the dock, and I'll need a name." The dock man eyed the trio suspiciously.

"Holy shit! It's that guy!" Raven pointed out. Indeed, it was the dock man from the first movie.

The man looked at her confusedly.

"Forget her." Alex dug out a shilling.

"We think she was dropped on her head as a child," Alice whispered, though Raven could still hear her.

"I am Mrs. Lovett, and these two ladies are my sisters, Mrs. Barker and Miss Todd," Alex referred to Raven and Alice respectively. She pulled a few names out of her arse and thanked God that she had watched Sweeny Todd a few nights ago. The dock man wrote down the names and they walked off.

As they walked down the dock Alice stole a long coat that was hung over a crate of something. She threw it on to hide the many weapons she was wearing so they wouldn't be stopped by anyone.

"Two things: One, if we were sisters, wouldn't we have the same last name? And two, I so call Miss Todd."

Alex smiled.

"The idea is that Todd was our maiden name, hence the miss. I married a man called Lovett and Raven married a man with the name Barker."

Tassie sniffed around on the ground.

"Good boy, Tassie! Catch the scent. I'm glad they taught all the animals to track down Sues. Which ones do you think we'll find here?"

"We won't find a Pirate Sue or a Hooker Sue here. They're usually in Tortuga," Raven replied.

" I'M NOT SIXTEEN!!!!" Alice screamed. The people around them stopped and stared at the oddly dressed woman. Not that they haven't seen people dressed like them before, but it was quite a sight for young woman to be dressed as such. A few of the proper women snickered and whispered to one another while the men gave then hard looks.

"Oops," Alice mumbled, blushing.

Alex blinked and stepped back.

"It's not unusual for girls as young as fourteen to get married in this era, especially in the lower class. Even though you're pretending to be sixteen, you could call yourself 'Mrs.' if you wanted to. If anyone asks about our husbands, they were all sailors who died in the same shipwreck."

"Would a widow still call herself 'Mrs.'?" Raven asked.

"I suppose so, it's not unheard of. I suppose Elizabeth's Sister Sue should be here somewhere. Usually she's either after Will or Norrington. We should probably start sniffing around town or the Navy yard."

"And tonight we can break into the Governor's house and see if she's there," Alex suggested. "Dexter and Tassie will know when she's around. They need to upgrade the sue scanners so they bleep if they're around, but I suppose that would get us a lot of funny looks and awkward questions."

"We should probably name our ship too. Any suggestions, Alice?" Raven asked.

Alice paused for a second and thought. "What about _Charlie's Angels_?"

Alex grinned.

"I like it, I bet no one else has a boat called _Charlie's Angels_. It works as a group name, too."

"Like Mac is Charlie." Raven smirked.

"What about--?" but Alice was cut off before she could finish her sentence. Dexter let out a loud meow and bolted down the muddy street.

"Dexter, you stupid lump of fur! Get back here!" Alice hollered at her cat as she ran after him.

Tassie took after her growling, and Raven and Alex soon followed.

Dexter led them to the smithy. There they came across a creature truly terrifying. Standing by the door tending to a garden that hadn't been there in the movie was a young girl with _"thick, brick brown hair that flowed down her back like a water fall"_ and _"soulful brown eyes that were deep with sorrow, but also great laughter."_ And to put it simply for you readers so your eyes don't rot anymore than they already are, she was dressed like such a little slut not even the prostitutes in Tortuga would wear it. She _"looked just like Will only totally hawt,"_ and she was humming (beautifully) _" A Pirates Life for Me"_ as she was tending to the garden. She didn't even see the three women or their pets gawking at her from across the street.

"Mud, a waterfall of mud. That doesn't sound pretty or poetic.... Just gross. If that bitch even bothered to read her story over she would know how unattractive that just sounded." Alice snorted, crossing her arms over her chest.

Raven crept up behind her quietly and crushed her baton up against her throat, pinning her against her.

"ZOMG!" The outrageous creature screamed in _"a voice so beautiful it would make an angel cry."_

"Wat r u bitches going to do with miiiii?!"

"You are charged with the following!"Alex announced cheerfully. "Talking in chat speak, misspelling said chat speak (oh girl, that is just sad), comparing your hair to a muddy waterfall, contradicting yourself by using the world laughter and sorrow in the same breathe to describe your voice, dressing like a whore without getting ridiculed by canon characters…"

"And for just being really fucking annoying," Alice added as she walked up behind Alex.

"I am not a whu-ho- whatever you just said! I am pretteee! Jack will love me as soon as he sees me!" she wailed.

"Ow, my IQ just went down some more," Alice mocked while shaking her head.

Alex snorted.

"Here's the truth love: Men have a good time with sluts like you, but they don't fall in love with them. I should know. What's your name, anyway?"

"I am Alverdine Cromwell Ruby Cutie Sapphire Silverheart Turner!" she announced proudly. Alice made a face.

"Why, why in the name of God would you have even asked?" moaned the younger hunter.

"So I can add 'having a modern name in an inappropriate time zone' to the list of charges," Alex grinned. "And being a flaming dumbass."

The Sue stared dumbly.

"What part of Will being Bootstrap Bill's only son wasn't obvious?" Raven growled.

"They said only son, they didn't say anything about daughters!" Alverdine clearly thought she was being clever.

"Except when Elizabeth used Turner's last name to avoid being recognized as the governor's daughter, one of the others said bootstrap only had one CHILD." Alex told her. Or at least that's how she thought it went. It had been a while since she had seen the movie. Just for the hell of it, Alex made sure Raven was holding the Sue still so she could head-butt her in the stomach a few times.

"Now you see one is a number, and a number is something smart people use to keep count of stuff. Smart is something you clearly traded for beauty when you made your deal with Satan," Alice said in a mocking tone.

"Oh, somebody help me!" she screamed. "I'm being held hostage by an ugly troll, a skank-whore, and an ugly little hairy midget whore!"

"Oh, that hurts," Raven sneered. "Can't you think of anything original? Calling someone an ugly skank is the easiest insult there is. You only say that because you're too lame to think of anything original."

Then Alex remembered that Alice had once beat a girl to death for calling her short, and realized that she probably wouldn't take too kindly to being called an "ugly little hairy midget whore."

Alice was standing just behind Alex, her whole body shaking in rage. She was clutching her hands into fists so tightly that she was making herself bleed. Raven could see her right eye twitch again like the last time. With the look on the young hunters face they wouldn't have been shocked if she started foaming at the mouth.

She stormed up to the Sue and ripped her out of Ravens hold.

"Say that again to my face you fucking sow," Alice hissed in a dangers low voice. Her face dark with fury. Any sane, smart person would know to shut the hell up now and run away. The Sue on the other hand...

"I said you where an ugly little hairy midget whore! OH! What now, bitch?! U so--"

The Sue never even got to finish her sentence. Alice slammed her head into the Sue's, breaking Alverdine's nose and causing it to spray blood everywhere. She screamed as she fell to her knees, clutching her nose. Still shaking in anger, Alice kicked her right in her _"heart shaped head"_ knocking her out. Not saying a word to the others she took the bit- I mean Alverdine, by her silky brown hair and dragged her into the blacksmith shop.

"All those hammers…" Raven sighed hopefully and Alex grinned.

"Not to mention all the swords that Will compulsively makes."

That gave her an idea.

Alex rushed in and saw Alice holding a smith's hammer, ready to bash the Sue's head in.

"Wait!"

"Why!?" snapped Alice, taking her eyes off the Sue and glaring at Alex.

Alex knew the frustration of being deprived of a kill, but she had an idea. She grabbed a few swords and pinned the sue to the wooden door. Then she pulled out a few knives.

"Knife throwing practice!"

"You can't do this to meeee!" the Sue screamed, and Alex gagged her with a rag.

"Tough titties, sweetheart!" Alex cried with glee.

Alex held one of her knives, preparing to throw.

"Five points if you get her in the stomach," Raven grinned and leaned against the wall. "Or torso."

"Right on," Alex grinned and took aim. Her knife sailed through the air and hit her in one of her over inflated boobs.

"Fifteen points!" Alex cheered and handed a knife to Alice. "Raven, keep score."

" Pft, child's play." taking aim Alice through her knife that pierced the Sue's other boob. "Easy as taking candy from a Sue," Alice chuckled.

The two slayers took it in turns throwing knives at the Sue. After a fun game, they finally ended up in a tie. The Sue now had multiple knifes in her now cheddar cheesed body, but somehow she was still able to live.

"Oh somebody help meeeee!" the Sue screamed through the gag.

Alice strolled over with a smiths hammer and there was a very satisfying crunching sound as she smashed it down on one of her fingers. The sue almost passed out when the small hunter did the same to the rest of her fingers and toes.

When they were done, they smithy looked like the inside of a slaughter-house.

Alverdine Cromwell Sapphire Silverheart Turner took her final breath.

"Tell Jack I'll always love him!"

And then her soul fled to join Satan in the deepest pits of hell.

"Don't take her down yet," Raven warned them. "In case she comes back."

"That was a great idea, the whole knife throwing game. Much more fun than just smashing her head in. Too bad about the hair though. Would have made a shiny penny off that one." Alice sighed deeply and got some burning coal out of the fire pit, using the iron tongs so she wouldn't burn herself.

"Hey, Raven, see if they have any salt in the back to make sure she STAYS dead. Any bitch calls me a sort troll will burn in hell." She said it calmly, but both Raven and Alex could sense the storm brewing beneath the calm face.

"I got some off the boat. Salt was more valuable in these days to preserve food," Raven handed the packet to Alice.

Tassie sniffed the sue, then there was a sickening crunching noise as he tore off one of her legs. He then dragged it into the corner to have a good munch on it.

"Ewwww!" Alex almost dropped her knife. "How come we didn't notice the Sue had pink sparkly blood?"

"I was having too much fun," Alice chirped smiling.

"Yeah, you were too absorbed in what you were doing," Raven said dryly. "Is this the kind of stuff you did with Dmitri?"

"When we were on a job, yes." Alex told her. "We never used one as target practice though. Usually we had to get the job done and get out as soon as possible."

"Aw! That's no fun! What's the point in killing if you don't have fun?" asked Alice as she salted the Sue and set her on fire. She started to hum the Camp Fire Song to herself.

"Dmitri…he was a serial killer before he was a vampire. He was very creative."Alex said quietly. "He called himself an artist."

" Fuck, if he was an artist I must be fucking Leonardo Da Vinci," Alice snorted.

"I bet you miss him," Raven said comfortingly.

Alex nodded and her eyes glazed over as if she was drifting off into space.

"I never had a serious relationship after Dmitri, you know," she said after a while. "Casual sex, sure. But never anything serious."

Then she spotted Tassie.

"Tassie! Bad!" She reached for the sue leg he was chewing on. "Guys, look at what happened to Tassie!"

Tassie's eyes were now huge, and his pupils were very large and round like a cartoon animal. He leapt at Alex and started licking her face.

"He's turned into a sue animal!" Raven shrieked. She made the symbol of the cross and hissed. "Quick, Alice! Have we got any canon soda? That might help!"

Though at the time Alice was quite uselessly rolling on the ground and laughing her ass off at the high Tassie.

Dexter hissed at Tassie and bite him HARD on his tail. Instead of mauling him like he normally would, Tassie yelped like a dog and then started chasing his own tail. Not even breaking a sweat ( if cats sweat, that is), Dexter pinned the crazed Tassie and held him down with one paw, giving Alex a look that said "hurry the hell up before I change back and eat him."

Raven grabbed a can of canon soda.

"They restore canon characters to normal. Let's see what they do for Tassie," she muttered and forced it down the animal's throat.

Tassie started shaking and then returned to normal. He hissed and cowered at the back of the smithy refusing to go near what remained of the Sue.

"Aw, poor baby had a scare did he?" Alex went to give him a pat and he made a noise.

"Well now we know not to let Dex or Taz eat any of them." Raven commented.

"Huh, that's weird, Dexter had no trouble with the Sues from FFVII and Supernatural." Alice mumbled, picking up her cat.

"Usually they never have any problems with biting the Sues, maybe it's because Tassie was actually eating her," Raven suggested.

"Or maybe it's got to do with the weird pink blood," Alex suggested. "Maybe we're dealing with a new brand of Sue."

" Oh fuck that can't be good. Every time they say that in the movie something horrible happens," moaned Alice.

"What in the world is going on here!?" cried the shocked voice of Will Turner as he walked through the door.

"Um, welcome home," Alice smiled sheepishly.


	3. Another one bites the dust

A/N: Thanks to each and every one of you who reviewed and thanks for being patient with us, now for the next instalment

Alice stood there like a deer caught in the headlights. A shocked Will Turner stood in the door way of the blacksmith shop, staring in horror at the bloody mess that the three Sue hunters made.

" W-wha- who are you people!? What have you done!?" Will gasped in horror as he took a step back.

Alex reached into her shirt and pulled out a pair of sunglasses.  
Raven took her cue and put on her pair and pulled out the neutralizer. She nudged Alice.

"They gave you sunglasses?!" Alice cried, shocked. "They didn't giving me squat!" A panicking Alice turned her head away and closed her eyes.

"What is that thing?! What are those things on your faces?!" Will looked like he just blew a fuse. Poor guy didn't have the brain power to handle what he was seeing.

"Give me the neutralizer," Alex demanded quietly.

"No," Raven replied stubbornly. "If you want to play with it, get your own."

She let it to five minutes and pressed the button. There was a blue flash of light and then Will had a blank look on his face.

"You walked in here and found the remains of a poor girl who had a little accident involving the smithy forge and a barrel of gunpowder. You never saw us."

"Plus you now have a deep seeded fear of girls that are pretty," Alice said with a sly smile on her face.

"Okay, let's go before we give the nice blacksmith a headache."

Poor Will continued to stare blankly while Tassie lifted his leg like a dog and peed on Will's boot. The trio made their way out of the smithy and Tassie followed.

"So who's next?" Raven grinned.

"I think we should swing by the Governor's house. We KNOW that Sues are always crawling all over that place," Alice sneered.

"I say we swing by a dressmakers shop and steal some outfits," Raven suggested.

"We should disguise ourselves as servants," Alex told her. "Most of the rich people would be familiar enough with each other."

"Normally I'd say you could disguise yourself as a lady," Raven told Alex. "But I learned a lot of lady-like stuff when I was training with the Sues."

"I still say we should be servants," Alex argued. "It's less conspicuous."

"It wouldn't hurt to try and recruit some of the canon characters. Elizabeth maybe, since this is after the events of the first movie, she'd be willing to believe in the supernatural. We could tell her the Sues are evil soulless demons," Raven suggested. "This would be a lot easier with her help and we can neutralize her when we're ready to leave." Raven suggested.

"What do you think, Alice?" Alex asked. She didn't think Alice would want to be a lady or a servant.

"I vote we bust in there, kill all Sues, flash the canon characters, and get the hell outta here," Alice said jumping up and down, wanting some action. "Alex has a point with us being Ladies, but the same goes for servants. I doubt they'll just let some random chicks walk in there and act like they work there. I say we set off some explosions on the other side of town and charge the place. In and out. I think that's our best bet."

"It sounds risky," Alex complained.

"I prefer Alice's plan. We could give stealth a go, but it would only be a matter of time before we get caught," Raven reasoned. "We can set off an explosion as a distraction."

"How about we storm in and pretend to rob the place?" Alex suggested. "That way everyone will keep still. As long as there aren't any soldiers in there, rich people are famous for not being able to take care of themselves."

"Yeah but that's why they have guards and people like that around. There's no chance in hell that the Governor's house doesn't have SOME kind of armed forces there." Alice sighed, shaking her head. "Our best bet is to blow something up so they leave, and THEN we can storm the place," the smaller hunter said stubbornly, convinced that her plan was the best idea. "Or just scream 'Will is taking a bath near a window!' That could get the Sues come to US," Alice snorted jokingly.

"I say we blow up something nearby then, what about one of the outside buildings? Like his outhouse or the outdoor laundry?" Raven suggested. "Or do you think we should blow up something more important?" She asked Alice. "You're our explosives expert, Alice. You can be in charge this time."

Alice paused for a second in thought.

"Well, we know that the fort at the top of the hill has plenty of gunpowder, but I don't see an easy way of sneaking it off or us in." Then she snapped her fingers. "The boats! They have plenty of gunpowder! If we set fire to a few of them that would surely get the guards away from the nobles."

"Alice, you're a genius!" Alex congratulated her gleefully. "And I always thought sneaky was best." If they'd done things her way they would have been caught for sure. "It's a good thing they put us all together for this mission. Now where can we get some bows?"

"Were there any on 'Charlie's Angels'? Our boat, I mean." Raven asked. "I have a lighter on me. We'll douse the arrowheads in rum and light them up."

Alice looked at Raven in shock. "You have a lighter!? They let you keep that? And they gave you guys sunglasses! What the hell!? If we break any more canon rules, I'll shoot you! No lighter," Alice snapped at Raven.

Raven shrugged. "Old habits die hard."

Alex suspected that Raven had smuggled the lighter. She vowed to keep an eye on Raven. Sues were all too keen to break rules to get what they wanted and she didn't want her falling back into old habits.

" Bull! look I know your on our team now that means you HAVE to fallow the rules as much as possible!" Alice hissed at Raven. It kinda surprised the two older hunters. Next to Raven Alice seemed like the kind of person that didn't care how something was done as long as it was done.

"They only let us have the sunglasses to use the neutralizer," Alex told her. "I think they were lenient since this world is really just set in Earth's history. But Alice is right, we can't break cannon rules and then kill the Sues for the same reason. I'm sure they have a few torches around somewhere, or candles. We can sneak on board the ship and use rum to get the fire started."

"We could use steel and flee in a pinch," Raven said.

"Girls, girls, girls! Have you even watched the movies? We just use our guns," Alice said pulling out one of her many guns. "Remember when they blow up Will's ship in the first movie? They used the spark made by the gun to light the gunpowder. Even if in real life you couldn't do it, they still did it here, so we can too," Alice said in a bit of a smug tone.

"And Raven, I want that lighter. We're blowing it up with the ship," the younger hunter said looking sternly at Raven.

"We also have your grenades," Alex reminded her as Raven handed over her lighter.

"True. That would probably give us even more of a headstart," Alice nodded as she tucked the lighter safely in the sash around her waist. " Or blow us all to bits," Alice smiled happily. Like that would be the best thing that happened today. "In any case, we need to see if we can even get ON another ship. Who here can pull the best Jack?" Alice asked looking from Raven to Alex.

"That would be Alex," Raven told her. "After all, I bet she did plenty of stuff like that when she was an assassin."

"That's true," Alex confessed. "Half of my job was getting into places I wasn't supposed to."

"Awesome! Ok, you sneak me onto the ship then you two will go up to the Governor's house, and I'll set off the explosion and meet up with you there," Alice said, completely ignoring the fact that Alex was supposed to be their captain.

"Right on."

They went to the shipyard and saw that it was guarded by none other than Murtogg and Mulroy, the same two men Jack had distracted in order to sneak on board The Interceptor in the first movie.

"I love it when they leave the two comic relief characters in charge of guarding things," Alex whispered. "Always so incompetent."

" Aw don't say that. I loved those two in the movies," Alice muttered back.

"To each his own," Alex shrugged. In the real world, there would have been a lot more guards.

"I can keep these two distracted. You can either stroll right on board, or sneak into the water and swim right up to the boat and climb your way on from there. Then you can do what you need to. If you want to climb up the side of the ship, you can use these."

She handed Alice a few flat wooden pieces with spikes coming out of them.

"I got two wooden horse brushes, took off the bristles and drove nails through the other side, I made it here so it's not breaking any canon rules. I've used something similar to climb up wooden walls in the past. Jumping back into the water will get you off the ship quickly so you don't get caught in the blast or by the guards. I know you probably know more about explosives than me, so whether you choose to group all the gunpowder barrels together or spread them out is your choice."

"Thanks, but I'd rather NOT get the gunpowder in my guns wet. Very nice though," Alice said holding the spikes up to the light. "We can definitely use these later, but I had other plans," Alice smiled slyly and gave both the other hunters a very bad feeling. "And if I do it right this wont be the only ship to go up in flames." Chuckling she tucked the spikes in her coat. "One more thing. Keep Dexter, would you? I don't want this useless lump of fur getting in the way and getting me killed."

"Fair point. Now, do I get out of here once you're on board or wait until the explosion goes off?" She wondered what Alice was planning. If she blew up a lot ships, it would also be a good blow for Piracy if it put the Navy out of action for a while.

"You might wanna run as fast as you can away from the dock once you see me go below. That's all I'm gonna say." Alice snickered evilly rubbing her hands together looking a little to much like a Disney villain.

Normally Alex might have worried for Alice's safety, but she looked like a girl who could take care of herself.

"Alrighty, time to keep the idiot twins busy," Alex referred to Murtogg and Mulroy.

"That's not nice!" Raven whispered. "Anyway, I thought Crabbe and Goyle where the idiot twins." Alex shrugged.

"She has a point," Alice pointed out.

"It's not my fault if they always travel in pairs."

It then occurred to Alex that dressed in pants, she didn't exactly look respectable or trustworthy for the era, but these two never came across as being particularly bright. She could pull this off with no problem. All she had to do was keep their focus on her and keep them talking long enough for Alice to put her plan into action.

"Raven, have we got any rum?"

"You have rum?" Alice asked looking at Raven.

"Well, yes. I remembered Alex's plan to use it to burn Sues,"" Raven replied.

" You had rum and didn't give it to me?!" Alice whined.

"Because we needed to save it," Alex told her, then she turned to Raven. "Fork it."

"I think we need a signal of some kind, so Alex and I know when we need to run. How about Dexter follows you for a bit and then comes to me when it's time?" Raven asked Alice.

"Sounds like a plan," Alex said and she approached the two gentlemen in question.

"Good afternoon, Gentlemen," she smiled.

One of them, Mulroy maybe, jumped a little.

"G-good afternoon, Miss."

"Brr," she pretended to shiver. "It gets so chilly out here, does it bother you?"

"We're used to it. It's just the sea air," Murtogg replied. His look was almost questioning as if he were wondering why she was there.

"Something to warm your blood captain?" she gave them an alluring smile. She took a swig of the rum and offered them the bottle.

"I was looking for my brother. He told me he'd joined up with the Navy and I was hoping to surprise him."

"What's his name?" Mulroy asked.

"Smith. John Smith."

"Never heard of him." Alex shrugged.

"You might not know him. He hasn't been around for long." She paused as if she were thinking. "And why are two such handsome fellows such as yourselves here on your lonesome? Where have all your friends gone?"

"The Governor's having a party this afternoon," Mulroy told her. She loved dim witted comic relief characters, most normal people would have been suspicious by now. "There's some new ladies recently arrived from England and most of the officers went and some of the men."

She wondered if some of the new ladies were Sues. That explained why this dock wasn't crawling with navy soldiers. Sues attracted men like flies to honey. It also explained why these two were left. They were never targets.

"And how did two gentlemen of such outstanding disposition not warrant an invitation?"

"Someone has to stay to guard the boats," Murtogg replied.

"And a fine job you are doing, too. Why, it certainly makes a girl feel safe knowing the navy's best are protecting us." She laid a hand on his arm and he went a funny pink color.

She smiled. She had them well distracted now.

_'I wonder what Alice is up to?'_ She wondered how her pyromaniac friend's plan was moving along.

Little did she know, or perhaps long before Alice even knew how she was going to get on the ship. The small hunter had snuck her way onto the ship via from above. She used the conveniently placed dock above the one they were already on. (Not really so much. Luckily the place looked to be the sight of a soon to be copy cat Elizabeth falling into the sea.) It looked just like the dock Jack saved Elizabeth in the first movie.

After almost falling to her death, Alice barely managed to swing across the upper deck into the sails of their target ship. By some miracle she made it down to the deck without breaking her neck. The hunter quickly let herself into the hail before the two beloved nitwits of the story saw her.

She covered her mouth so she didn't let out a loud squee of delight as she saw the large cargo of gunpowder and rum. She may have a little too much fun with this. She only hoped that by now Alex and Raven where long gone.

"Well, time to get started," Alice said to herself.

Dexter mewed at Raven, and she walked over to Alex.

"Oh, sister dear! There you are!" she linked her arm through hers. "I meant to tell you that our sister is getting supper ready, she's warming up the fire now, we should start walking now if we're to get home in time."

"Yes," Alex replied. "We should hurry before she burns it. Farewell gentlemen, I hope I shall see you again." She blew them a kiss for dramatic effect before they hurried off.

"I cannot believe you, Alex! Remember Deamus?" Raven hissed.

"We needed them distracted," Alex grinned. "And this is fun."

It wasn't until they reached the Governor's house did they hear (or feel for that matter) the explosion that Alice had promised them. The first ball of fire shot up into the air a good hundred feet. Normally an explosion like that in a time like this would never happen, but thank God for Hollywood and their love for big booms, or else they wouldn't get away with things like that. They could hear shots of guards and the running or feet as they rushed to the source of the explosion. Then, just as the first one had died down another ship went up in flames, and again a loud bam was followed by a fireball in the sky. Alice had obviously gone way overboard. It was starting to look less like a movie in the 1800's and more like a war movie. Alex started to wonder if it was like this in the realm of canon even for a movie.

"Wow… Remind me to never mess with Alice," Raven stared in awe.

Alex grinned.

"She's a bloody genius. Now come on Raven, let's hold the nice people hostage while we wait for Alice."

Alex and Raven strolled into the main ballroom where everyone stood around like morons. Here were all the helpless victims of the Sues. Like flies unable to escape a spider's web.

"Now everybody remain calm. This won't take long…" Alex raised her voice.

"Who are you?!" Governor Swan demanded.

"Our names are of little use to you," Raven told him.

"…And we are here to rob you," Alex finished. She hoped there weren't many Sues left in Port Royal. After this little stunt, they would have to be careful not to be seen. Even with the neutralizers there was a chance somebody might get out and inform the authorities.

"Now we want all the pretty young ladies on the left and the gentleman on the right. And if anyone tries to be a hero, I'll let my cat eat you," Alice said as she walked through the door to the ballroom. She was dripping wet, and it looked like her hair had caught fire. Dexter gave a loud meow and looked at all the people on the room licking his furry lips.

Alice smiled at the other two hunters. She looked happier then both of them had ever seen her. Even after killing the Sue.

"How the hell did you get here so quickly?" Raven asked. She noticed the twinkle in her eye. Wow she must really love to blow things up.

Alice looked at Raven and raised one of her brown eyebrows. " I good hunter never reveals her secrets,"

"Not that she's not happy to see you," Alex told her and then turned back to the crowd. "I don't see any movement! Chop chop!" she clapped her hands. Tassie went into the crowd and nipped at their heels to get them moving.

"Oh no! Who shall save us?" A voice _"pure as a golden bell"_ cried. She had "_long golden blonde hair like wheat in the summer time"_ and _"bright sea-green eyes"._

" Well damn," Alice sighed and shock her head. it was just to easy.

"You, girl!" Alex clicked her fingers and pointed. Immediately, Tassie surrounded the Sue and the two girls who stood near her, quivering. "What is your name?"

The girl raised her chin and she glided forward "_with steps so graceful it would make a ballerina weep".  
_  
"What is it with Sue's and making people cry?" Alice quietly asked Raven.

"They love the idea that everything they do actually matters. They think making someone else cry makes you look good by comparison."

"I am Beth Brightbird Swan Cullen Naruto Sunchild!" The sue continued oblivious. "And these are my friends Marie Jasmine Stargirl and Jasmine dark-star Swan! We will not submit to common thieves!"

"Not a good move, sunshine," Alex grinned.

"Oh, where is Commodore Norrington!" Marie cried _"in a pure musical voice that gurgled like a baby's laughter"_ and she flipped her _"flowing strawberry locks"._ It was like she was supposed to be written with strawberry-blonde hair, but since the blonde part has been omitted (due to a possible typo) her hair had come out sparkling pink. Her eyes were _"glittering amethyst."_

"Norry will protect us!"

Alice slapped her pawn to her forehead, stunned by the pure stupidity of it all.

"Spare me from Sues and their stupid pukey pet names," Alex muttered.

"Oh where is Jack!" Jasmine wept in "_a voice so tragic it would make a stone statue cry to hear it."_

"Again with making people cry," Raven muttered.

The sue started to cry, her _"sky blue eyes that told of tortured innocence"_ brimmed with tears. "He was supposed to come and take me away from my horrible boring life and take me to lead the exciting life of a pirate so I would not be forced to marry Gibb's ugly half brother!"

" You don't even deserve to marry the pigs Gibb's sleep on!" Alice shrieked and Raven laughed.

Alex nodded to Raven who walked behind the Sues and clubbed them forward with her baton.

"You are accused of the following crimes," Raven sneered.

"Unnaturally colored hair and eyes, stupid long names, thinking that a "baby gurgling" voice is supposed to be sexy, and being a "rebellious princess" clique."

"And using phrases like "tortured innocence" and unrealistic glamorous expectations of piracy," Alex added. "Bitch, the life of a pirate is neither glamorous of exciting. Anything to add Alice?"

"Yes I do. You are also charged with wearing your hair down. Even though in the real world that would be the sing of a whore, which you are. Anyway we're going to kill you mostly because my hair caught fire getting these two in so I think you owe me something." Alice hissed eyeing Beth's hair with a greedy smile.

"Bitch Tits, yes you!" looking at Beth, who looked downright outraged by the fact she was just called such a name by a "lowly thief". "If Dumb and Dumber here get poor Jack and Norrington, who the hell did you get?" Alice all ready knew the answer to that but she had early eyed Elizabeth standing in the back ground of the party, looking dimly in space, and she wanted to see what a canon Sue and a Mary Sue did to each other when they were after the same man. She heard stories of course, but she just had to see it herself.

At that moment Will jumped in.

"Nooo! Beth!"

"My love!" Beth called. Elizabeth looked livid, like she was ready to tear something apart.

Will kissed Beth dramatically, and then Beth gasped and fell down with Elizabeth's dinner fork in her back.

"He's mine, bitch!"

_'The Sue energy must have driven her crazy,'_ Raven thought. She raised her baton and beat Marie to death. Her brains scattered across the marble floor while everyone stared in horror.

Alex's sword flashed, and Jasmine's belly was cut open, her intestines joining Marie's brains on the floor with a wet, satisfying squish. Jasmine thrashed around as Alex brought the heel of her boot down on her skull, right between the eyes with a crunch.

Raven continued to beat her dead Sue in a frenzy, her eyes shining.

After his last encounter with a Sue, Tassie was not too keen on going near them. Instead he blocked the exit, preventing everyone from leaving. Dexter, not really caring about what happened earlier, helped Alex out by clawing the sues face off. Then he peed on her expensive looking dress.

Alex decapitated her Sue and wiped her sword on the Sue's dress.

Raven left Alex and Alice to pile the bodies up and burn them, and she turned to the crowd.

"Alex, glasses," she told her. "Alice, do what you have to."

She pulled out the neutralizer.

"Now everyone look at this point here," she tapped it. She set it to half an hour and pressed the button.

"You were all having a nice time when these ladies here attempted to rob you, secretly pirates in disguise. One of them was trying to pass herself off as a member of the Swan family. The soldiers came to your rescue and burned the bodies because the girls were carrying a contagious tropical disease."

"And Will, what did I tell you about your new fear of pretty girls?!" Alice said shaking her head. "Man, I didn't get to kill anyone this time. I thought Elizabeth would slap her or something, not kill her. Total bummer."

"Well canon characters do react to Sue energy. Guys fall in love with them, and the girls go completely psycho," Raven shrugged. "Now I suggest we clear out of here before these guys snap out of it.

"That's probably a good idea." Alice remarked as they ran from the house and back into the still busy streets of Port Royal. They could see men and even women with buckets running to the dock to put out the burning flames that Alice had caused.

"Should we get out of Port Royal?" Raven asked Alex. "They're bound to start looking for whoever set off that explosion, and three women dressed like men. We stick out a bit."

Alex nodded.

"We probably should lay low, but there's one more thing we need to do first."

"What is that?" asked Alice

"We'll have to check the area for anymore Sues, and then we can move on. No sense in leaving any behind."


	4. The Crossover Sue from Hell

A/N: Sorry it's late! Apollo was moving house and...it's been chaotic.

The three hunters looked at the shops around them. It was getting dark and cold and all Alice wanted was to crash at some Inn for the night.

"Ug, come ON Alex, we won't find any Sue's now. There are no Whore Sues here anyway. Can we please call it a night?' Alice moaned, rubbing her sleepy eyes.

"I'm with Alice," Raven yawned. "Besides, it'd be stupid and dangerous to go after a sue when we're tired."

Alex nodded. "We should get off the streets anyway, the navy is bound to be looking for suspicious looking people on the streets. We can have dinner at a tavern and see if there's a room available, unless you'd like to go back to the ship?"

" Tavern please. we're all ready going to be spending too much time on that ship when we set out. Let's not make it any longer then needed," Alice mumbled half asleep all ready. Dexter gave a tired meow and rubbed up against Alex's pant leg waiting to be carried. He tried the same thing with Alice and she just booted him across the street.

Alex found a cheap tavern that she deemed suitable.

"Anything more expensive and we'd stick out like a sore thumb and we can certainly defend ourselves from unsavoury customers," Alex grinned.

"The Prancing Pony," Raven read the sign and shook her head. "If I walk in there and find four hairy midgets looking for Geezer the Grey I'm going to..." Raven trailed off, unable to think of a good way to finish the sentence.

Alice moaned. "Oh god, if there is some ME cross over Sue in there I'm gonna punch you Alex,"

****************************************************************************************************************************************************

The three hunters walk and the first thing they see ( and really how could they not see her she WAS glowing, literary) was a beautiful young woman with " hair as black as the night sky" and eyes "that shone the most purest blue that it made men weep with their total hotness." She was wearing a "silvery white dress that almost mirrored her innocence that fell down to the floor and shone her every curve. And on her shoulder was a snow white nightingale that sang almost as sweetly as she did." And god help those poor hunters if that wasn't bad enough the girl had pointed ears.

" Alex....." Alice said not taking her eyes off the Sue. " I'm going to hurt you,"

"Easy, Alice," Alex whispered with a smile on her face. "I say we wait until dark, kill her, then leave the next morning like nothing is wrong."

"Because if we run for it, it'll look suspicious right?" Raven asked and Alex nodded.

" Man, all I want is a hot meal, I soft bed, and a good night sleep. But no you just had to pick the Inn that had the Elf-Sue in it...." Alice moaned scratching the back of her head. "Well I'm not talking to her. I might just snap and kill her in this room full of nice man with sharp objects. Raven you do it."

Raven nodded.

"I'll do it, but Alex is right. It's best to do it in the middle of the night when there are less people around."

" Alex, you have the money right? Give it to the girl so we can sleep all ready," Alice yawned.

"Those ladies from the ball had full purses," Alex told her companions and then she strolled up to the sue. "And what would a respectable lady like yourself be doing in this establishment? A young girlie down on her luck?"

"I am but a simple maiden," she said tearfully in "a musical whispery voice that told of ageless wisdom." "I await the day when my knight in shining armour shall take me away for a life more exciting..." she stared off into the distance.

Alice and Raven stood back and watched Alex pay for their rooms.

"What I want to know is, how did a Elf-Sue from ME end up in a dump like this? I-I just don't see the connection in all this. Why can't she just go after Lego?" asked Alice shaking her head.

"Orlando Bloom?" Raven shrugged. "Maybe it's the writer trying to be creative, or maybe she's one of the sues who went through the academy like me and somehow ended up in the wrong place when they were sending her through."

" I never got the attention, I mean the guy looks like such a prissy bitch. Now Brad Pitt on the other hand, THATS a real man," Alice sighed. "Plus I thought Sues never made mistakes."

"They use similar technology to the SSU when sending people into worlds. They use wannabe sues rather than actual sues to operate the machinery, girls so desperate to be "friends" with the sues they'll do what they're told. One of them could have easily made a mistake," Raven explained.

"See that's what I don't get, how can ANYONE stand to be near them? Let alone want to be their "friends" of their own will.' Alice said yawning again. "Christ what's taking her so long?!"

"I'm back," Alex announced. "I had to stand there for a while and listen to her heart-breaking story. About midnight, me and Raven will finish the job. You wouldn't believe it, but she has a modern sink in there with plumbing."

"Ok, that's one good thing about being in a Sue Inn!" Alice smiled happily then looked at Alex. "How on Earth did the Elf-Sue end up here?"

"She says that she was sent here by her evil father because she rejected the man he had picked out for her. Why pirates I have no idea."

"I still say a sue technician screwed up and it's a cover story," Raven shrugged.

" I still say Brad is sexy," Alice muttered.

"That reminds me of my assignment when I was sent to Troy..." Alex smiled at the memory. "But I say the current sue could be the sue-author trying to be creative. But you can't deny the Orlando Bloom connection. Do you want to eat before we sleep? It could be our last meal before heading out to open water."

"Yes I think I would eat my cat if he stood still long enough," at this Dexter hissed at her his orange fur standing on end. "But is it really a good idea to eat sue food? What if it messes with our heads and turns us into all the other pansy morons in this Inn." she swept her arm over the group of raged looking men. They looked like they should be starting a bar fight but instead they where sewing some very nice looking quilts.

Raven looked startled. "That's what this place is," she realised. "She takes in the bad guys and feeds them brainwashing food to make them good. She probably thinks she's making a difference, making the world a better place."

"And taking away their free will in the process," Alex smirked. "Oh this is going to be fun."

"Though they do make very nice quilts," Alice commented holding one up. "And if I stared smiling and get all giggly and start sewing for the love of Gaia shot me in the head," Alice said with a straight face.

" OMG!! Stabby that is such a CUUUUUTE kitty you're sewing!" squealed a man with a stubby grey beard. The words that came out of his mouth no way at all matched his gruff deep voice. Alice started at the man in shock her mouth open like a fish.

" Holy shit! that's Gibbs!!" Alice cried in shock pointing at the man that was now giggling ( yes giggling, like a little school girl) at what the other man just said.

"Hooly, shiit!" Alex stared with an open mouth.

"We should save these poor souls," Raven had a sad look in her eyes like a little girl looking at a starving beggar.

"I just hope Jack isn't anywhere near here, he and Gibbs are usually joined at the hip," Alex looked around.

"Yes but this IS a Sue-Inn. Can't really rely on reality here," Alice sigh. "Maybe if we though a rock at him it would shock him awake,"

"Or a rum bottle over the head," Raven suggested.

"Ladies, ladies," Alex held up her arms. "Why do we always have to do things the hard way? Alice, do we have anymore cannon soda?"

"Aw, you're no fun," Alice whined as she reached into her pack and pulled out some cannon soda. "You give it to him. Last time I gave a cannon character this I couldn't get rid of that stupid redhead Turk."

"A story I'd love to hear sometime," Alex approached the pirate in question. "Rum?"

"Oh no, I would never touch the vile stuff!" he giggled, sending shivered up her spine.

"Then try this," Alex offered the can. "Not a drop of alcohol."

"I really don't think..."

Alex whispered in his ear and his eyes widened.

"Why didn't you say that before?" he cried before downing the whole can. They waited a few seconds and then he slowly looked around the room before looking down at his own quilt.

"What did you say to him?" Raven asked quietly.

"I told him it would make him more attractive so our resident sue would fall in love with him," Alex rolled her eyes.

"Good god!" Alice moaned shaking her head.

"Where am I?" Gibbs asked, looking frightened.

"You're in the Prancing Pony Inn," Alex told him quietly. "This place is run by demons, so I say you quietly leave while the she-witch has her back turned.

"Aye," his eyes darted around the room and found the exit.

"And don't ever come back! And warn Jack about this place! It's bad luck!" Alice hissed, sounding like some old fortune teller. "If HE comes here they will eat his soul!"

He disappeared out the door, a look of panic in his (unusually) sober eyes.

************************************************************************************************************************************************

"Oh where has master Gibbs gone?" The tavern-keeper sue came out from the kitchen.

"He went out. To...pick daisies," Raven rubbed her forehead, she was fresh out of bullshit.

"Oh how charming! They'll look simply lovely in a vase on the table!"

" So will your bloody corpes," Alice mumbled under her breath.

"Pardon?" the sue looked confused.

"Never mind. Why don't we go back in the kitchen and pick out a nice vase?" Alex put her arm around the the sue. Her grin reminded Raven of Sweeny Todd when he was trying to convince the beedle to come up stairs so he could slit his throat.

"Oh that would be marvellous!" the two women disappeared.

"I think Alex thinks that these guys are so out of it that as long as we do it quietly, no one will notice and we don't have to wait until midnight," Raven suggested to Alice. "We're all tried, but in a room full of knives it shouldn't be too hard."

"True I gues, but still, is it too much to ask for one bloody nights rest," Alice sighed.

Back in the kitchen the sue bent down to search a suspiciously modern looking cabinet when Alex grabbed her by the hair and smashed her head against the open cupboard door.

"Aeeeee!" The elf flailed helplessly.

Obviously not an "elven warrior" sue.

Still grabbing her by her hair, she shoved her head into the sink full of dirty water and held her under.

***************************************************************************************************************************************************

As Alex drown the Sue Alice took care of the little nightingale, looking a little too happy about killing the "sweet" little bird then a normal person should.

The Sue struggled, trying to get away from Alex's grip. Her arms flailing around and a zap of "pure golden energy" leaped from her hand and knocked Alice flat on her ass.

"Holy crap!" Alice cried out in shock, looking a bit dazed.

The sue pointed and the same golden energy made Alex's weapons fly to the other side of the room.

"Alice! That wall climbing thing I gave you, throw it to me!" Alex called. She could easily beat the sue to death with it.

Alice reaches into her coat and though one of the spicks to Alex, then looked back at her body to make sure the sue magic wasn't doing any weird shit to her. When she saw she was fine she turn back to Alex who was beating the Sue with the spick. "You want any help?"

The sue now had multiple holes in the back of her head.

"A horse brush with nails sticking through it," Raven muttered.

"Where does she get these ideas?"

The sue's golden blood mixed with the filthy washing water and eventually she stopped struggling.

"It's weird," Alex commented. "When you kill a normal person they..excrete. The intestines stop working and they can't hold it in. But sues don't do that.""

"Because the authors don't realise how messy death it," Raven told her. "They think you make a long drawn out speech and then you just die dramatically. Just like they think that getting sick means going pale and fading. Not getting a rash and vomiting everywhere."

Alice sighed wishfully.

"Just once I want a Sue to shut the hell up while they die. That's why Sandy always cute off her head. Cuz if you don't they take forever die. I once shot one in the head and they STILL had a insanely long death scene...."

"Oh god tell me about it," Alex sighed. "I once fed a sue to the warg riders in Middle Earth. She was cut in half and she was still talking. Do you want to cut off the hair Alice?" Alex gestured towards their latest kill. "I hear you like to turn them into wigs."

"Oh you heard about my little side business huh?" Alice asked with a smirk as she bent over the Sue and cut her "midnight" hair off. "You wouldn't believe how much people pay for Sue hair," said the smaller hunter with a snort. She stuffed the hair into a small leather pout and tied it around her west. "What should we do with those poor souls in the bar?"

Meanwhile Dexter gave a small burp and started to pee on the Sue.

"Hopefully the spell's worn off now she's dead," Raven commented. "If it's in the food, it should wear off in twenty four hours. If not, we just feed them the cannon soda."

"Sometimes sues travel in pairs," Alex stated as she stripped the dead sue of her jewellery. "But this one showed all the signs of a loner, I doubt she has any sisters or friends hanging around." She eyed one of the sue's rings. The gold was so shiny and the gems where so huge, it was more tacky than beautiful, but she could easily sell them.

"What makes you say that? She looks like any other sue to me," Alice commented trying to see what Alex and Raven saw.

"Crossover sues usually are," Raven explained. "When they're from Earth they sometimes have friends with them, but not when they're from somewhere else."

"And I've been to Middle Earth," Alex told Alice. "I was there before I was called away for the Hogwarts mission. Elven sues rarely have friends for some reason, servants sometimes, but never a lot of friends."

"..... I knew that," Alice snorted then turned her back on them to check on the men.

Dexter looked at Raven and Alex and rolled his eyes and followed her.

"Looks like they turn back to normal guys!" Alice called from the next room.

"See, what did I tell you?" Alex laughed. "Silly bitch wanted to turn pirates good..."

"That's good enough in the real world," Raven shrugged. "But messing with fiction just gets you into trouble."

"Hell I loved the pirates in the real world too," Alice pouted. "Anyway look like where done here. Forget sleeping, I'm too worked up, let's just get the hell outta here before the Navy bust down our door,"

Alex nodded.

"Okay team, time to move."

" WOOT!!! we're going to Tortuga!!!" Alice cried happily throwing her hands into the air.


	5. Sue on the high seas

A/N: Arg, sorry about the lateness.

Alex, Raven, and Alice lay board on the deck.  
"I wish it was like the movies where everything was right next to each other," Raven grumbled.

"It never is," Alex rolled her eyes. "They just don't tell you about all the boring bits in between."

Tassie chewed on a meaty bone and made an angry noise if anyone got too close.

"Tell me about it; maybe if we had some hot Gary Stu's around time would pass more quickly. right Alex?" Alice asked throwing Alex a mocking smile.

Dexter hissed at Tassie demanding him to share the bone or he would use him as his new chew toy.

Alex shrugged.

"You know what this reminds me of? There was this girl in my year at school; she used to dress up for every 'international talk like a pirate day.' She was always doing really weird stuff. One time she glued crabs to the ceiling in the potions lab. Another time, she rearranged the furniture in the headmaster's office. He ignored it until one day she glued everything to the ceiling," She said casually while Dexter and Tassie hissed at each over the bone. Raven grabbed the bone and cut some meat off for Dexter and threw it to him.

"That's nothing! This one girl I knew at the mutant school could make you see things that aren't there. And she use to project seats at the teachers desk and make are teachers fall flat on their asses!" Alice roared with laughter at the mere memory of it. "Though at some point they just started poking them to make sure they where real, so I just used my powers to pull the chair back and they'd fall anyway." Alice giggled again. "I guess you can say we were "friends" I mean she was one of the few people that didn't run away when I said I'd kill them,"

Dexter sniffed at the piece of meat and looking disgusted, stole the bone right from Tassie's mouth and ran up the mass of the ship like a cat up a tree.

Tassie roared with vengeance and sat and the bottom of the mast like a barking dog.

"Cut that out!" Raven roared at them. "So what was your power?" she asked Alice. "Telekinesis?"

"HA! If only! But no, it was super speed." Alice smiled evil. "God I had so much fun! I ran so fast they never even saw me coming or going!"

Dexter gave a happy meow and chewed on the bone.

Raven pulled out her sue scanner.

"I only just remembered these; we haven't really needed them so far, have we? How do we read these things anyway? I was told it was easy but it's hard to make sense of them."

"Just point and click love, then it'll beep a few times and give us a reading on if it's a Sue, a canon character , or a healthy OC." Alice explained pointing to the large black bottom on the right.

"I'm glad we've got these things," Raven commented. "How far to Tortuga?"

"Three weeks," Alice sighed heavily. "This is the one thing I hate about pirates.... it takes forever to get around."

"Oh goddamnit it! What the hell are we going to do until then?" Raven grumbled.

"Strip Poker!" Alice screamed jumping up with an old deck of cards in her hand.

Alex grinned and sat down.

"In the blistering sun? It's official, you're both nuts!" Raven threw up her hands.

"You don't like it, and then sit out," Alex shrugged.

"Awwwww! You're no fun Raven! Besides, if anything in this heat we SHOULD be taking off our clothes," Alice said as she shuffled the cards. "Plus we can't play with just two people; we'll end up playing strip gold fish if we do."

"What's strip goldfish?" Raven asked as she sat down. She was getting weird flashbacks of her time in the dorms of the Mary sue academy.

"Same as goldfish only when you lose a card you also lose a piece of clothing, but poker is funner. So you WILL play," Alice smiles at Raven, to any one ease it would have been a normal smile, but some how Alice made it seen creepy.

Raven thought for a moment.

"Why not? It wouldn't be the first. The dorms in the sue academy got pretty crazy."

Alice right eye twitched.

"Didn't need to know that," Alice muttered. With out saying another anything else she started dealing the cards.

Then they heard "the voice of a lonely angel calling out for her soul mate."

"God damnit," Alice sighed and though down the cards.

Alex quickly stood up and drew her sword in the same fluid motion.

"Damn it."

"Why did it suddenly get dark?" Raven grumbled and reached for her baton. Alex pointed off the bow of the ship where they saw a  
white glowing form.

"_That's_ why it got dark."

There, sitting on a rock that had no earth business being in the middle of the ocean, was a _"beautiful maiden with silvery hair that flowed down her body like water. Her eyes the cooler of the most purest sapphire, and a shimmering fish tail the cooler of golden honey"  
_  
"Lets stick a rusty fishing hook in her mouth and see how well she sings then!" Alice hissed darkly as her dress her dagger.

"Do we have a harpoon?" Alex asked. "Please say we have a harpoon."

Quietly the small hunter ran down below and stared rummaging though the any weapons the ship had.

"Bingo!" Alice cried with a triumphant smile holding up the sharp hooked blade. Running back to the upper deck Alice saw something strange next to the Sue mermaid.

"What is that?"

"What the fuck?" Raven squinted. "Hold the phone; it looks like our target has a friend. She doesn't look like a sue but someone should scan her to make sure."

The second mermaid had oily green skin, green hair and scales on her arms.

Alice took the Sue Scanner and pointed it at the other mermaid. After a few short deeps words popped up on the screen.

Name: Rebecca (no last name)  
Power: breath under water, talk to fish, can manipulate people.  
Species: mermaid  
Type of Sue: None found  
OOC: 12.9

"Nothing too bad, normal mermaid stuff. And manipulate isn't the same as mind control... and the OOC leave is pretty low.... I haven't seen an OC yet with a zero...." Alice said reading it over.

"She may try to defend the sue though if we go after her," Raven muttered. "And we can't kill anything that isn't a sue, what should we do about her?"

"I know this doesn't sound like me but maybe we can just talk to her. If she's not a Sue she should have some sense... maybe she'll help."

"It may be our only option," Raven confessed. "None sue friends are always a problem, unless we do some heavy neutralizing she'll hate us for it and cause problems later."

"You're the expert," Alice said as she turned the boat to sail over to the rock.

"If she becomes a problem, we take her down," Alex said coldly. "If she attacks us first, it's self defence."

"We should avoid it though," Raven told her. "Killing a non sue always means putting in a report and an investigation...trust me, I'll just whack her over the head with this," She twirled her baton. "And she's out cold. We'll be long gone before she wakes up."

Alex nodded.

"We might need a dingy to get to the rock..." Raven started before Alex interrupted.

"Oh my gosh!" Alex screamed loudly. "Is that Jack!? Oh what a good view we have up here!"  
Raven rolled her eyes. "Way to go be subtle..."

"And loud," Alice mumbled covering her ears.

The next thing they knew the mermaid was on the deck, she suddenly grew two legs and was wearing a long flowing sea blue dress.

"OMG!? JACKPOO!!!!" it shrieked looking around for the poor man.

Three hundred miles away Jack woke up screaming.

"What is it Caption?" asked Gibbs in his gruff tone.

"I-I had a dream that a foul demon was trying to suck out my soul," Jack said wide eyed, not sounding like himself at all.

"Ay, that be bad luck," Gibbs said shacking his head.

Alex immediately grabbed the harpoon and shot the incredible mer-slut through her inflated breast.

"Fifty points!" she screamed.  
Raven pinched the bridge of her nose and shook her head.

"You enjoy this WAY too much..."

"You Meany face!" the mermaid cried, her silver hair moving as if alive. She screamed so loud that the hunters had to cover there ears. "HAHAHAH!!! I just called all my fishy friends to come eat youz!! Take THAT ugly!" and with that she stuck out her tongue and blew a raspberry at Alex.

The water next to the ship stared to move and bubble then suddenly about 50 fish leaped up out of the sea and leaded onto the deck of the ship and started to flop around. Dexter gave a meow of thanks before he stared to eat one of the still wiggling fish.

Alice looked around her, all the fish where gapping there mouths trying to breath and flopping all over the place. "This is it? Pft! That's for the dinner dumbass. Next time try calling something that we don't eat." With that she took out one of her many pistol and shot her in the head.

"This reminds me of the time that friend of mine got detention and had to write "I will not summon 50 thousand blue whales for the hell of it" a hundred times," Alex said, grinning. "That was a fun day."

"Was that the same friend who used to dress up for international talk like pirate day?" Raven asked and Alex nodded. "And what the _hell,_ Alex? What is it with you and shooting them in the boobs?"

"I wouldn't if they weren't such obvious targets." Alex kicked a flapping fish. Tassie worked at ripping apart the mer-sue.

"Hey," Alex nodded towards the body as Tassie ripped off an arm.

"This one has weird sparkly pink blood like Will's sister."

"Bad doggy thing!" Alice shouted ripping the arm out of his mouth. "Have you learned nothing!?"

"I believe that is my friends severed arm you're holding," the other mermaid said coolly. She had managed to prop herself onto the railing of the ship. Up close they saw that her greenish skin had a almost scary look to it. And that she had sharp, shark like teeth in her mouth that gave her a menacing look.

"Sorry scary shark lady," Alice said dryly still holding the arm. "But it's a job,"

"I hate to be the one to tell you this, but your friend was a Mary Sue," Raven told her. "An evil soulless demon with no personality or sense of self worth. At least without a man in her life."

"Duh," the shark lady rolled her eyes.

"Look, even if you summon up a million sharks, they'll die if you try to get them to attack us, because sharks don't exactly do well without water…" she trailed off eyeing the fish flopping around helplessly on the deck.

"Wait," Alex whispered to Alice while Raven talked to the shark lady. "Didn't the scanner say she could manipulate people?" The last thing they needed was for her to "convince" one of them to take a walk off the edge of the boat.

"But I think it's more like she can talk people into things. Not out right mind control. So as long as we don't let her trick us we'll be fine" Alice whispered back.

The shark lady took a deep breath and put on what out be a charming smile, that is if it was for those teeth. "I apologize. As you can see, I wouldn't be too popular with the men. And I needed that airhead girl to lure then over here with that sickening voice human love so much. You see, I just love the taste of man flesh, so much more tasty then fish. And without her I have to work at getting my meal. I believe you owe me."

Alice smiled back, almost a creepily as the shark lady herself. "You see that's a problem. We aren't men, we're woman. And I don't plan on getting eaten any time soon,"

"What does Gary stu meat taste like?" Alex asked her and Raven made a face.

"Chicken," the shark lady told her, grinning.

"Figures," Alex shrugged and pointed a gun at her. "Now here are your choices, you can slither back into the water and go back where you came from or you can try to eat us and die."

The Shark Lady paused then smiled again. "Let's make a little deal, if you bring me a few tasty Gary Stu's I'll let you go,"

"Sounds good to me," Alice said, not liking the idea of being eaten.

"Would you like to come with us?" Alex had a stab at being polite. "We're on the way to Tortuga. Bound to be plenty of sues and stus there."

Shark Lady licked her lips, her eerie off color silver eyes glowed. "Sounds like fun,"

"Just don't eat my cat," Alice huffed. She didn't like this mermaid to much. And she had a strange feeling she was up to something and was tricking the others.

Shark Lady though a very nasty look at Alice then dove back into the ocean.

"I'll follow you there!" she cried from the water. "By the way, if you want to cut the hair of that old sea-hussy, go for it. I hear they make awesome wigs."

With that the ship set sail over the shimmering waters, ending towards the sun set.

"Are we there yet?" Alice whined


	6. And the sue kill of the week goes to

The hunters where well into their thread week of being out in the open ocean. Alice was biding her time by slamming her head into the mast muttering to herself, while Dexter had taken up chasing his own tail.

Not to mention everyone was really starting to stink - after all, no one had taken a bath since before the beginning of their happy adventure. It didn't help that they were all starting to get cabin fever, and Tassie and Dexter weren't that nice to begin with..

"I wish those two would learn to crap over the side of the boat or something," Raven muttered after stepping on one of Tassie's accidents. "I mean, it's not like the fish don't crap in there anyway."

Alice took a break from her head slamming and turned to Raven.

"True, but chances are one of them would push the other over the boat if they tried," and it was true, both Dexter and Tassie had tried to kill each other a few times during the trip.

With a sigh Alice when back to bashing her head it, not stoping even after blood started getting on the wood.

Raven grabbed the back of her head before she could do any damage.

"We have to be careful with injuries in this time, if anything gets infected we're in big trouble, no anti-biotics.."

"But I'm bored!" Alice whined.

"Is that land?"Alex asked peering out into the ocean, "or am I seeing things?"

Alice followed where Alex's eyes where looking and saw a dark shape forming over the blue horizon.

" I don't think so!" Alice cried happily as she scurried up to the crows nest. "Yep! Its land!! FINALLY!!!!!"

"Thank god," Raven tried to push her sweaty, frizzy (and now greasy) hair out of her face. "If I had to listen to one more round of row row row your boat..."

" Or a pirates life for me," Alice grumbled as she climbed back down.

They heard the sharp laugh of the Shark Lady as she swan around their boat. For the whole 5 weeks she has done nothing but comment about how hungry she was and how tasty Dexter looked. To be honest Alice was amazed that he was still alive and not fish food by now.

Raven wished that their new friend would stop eating her fish raw, but considering she hadn't eaten Tassie or Dexter yet, she wasn't in any position to be picky.

As they sailed closer they could now here the screaming and pistols going off. A building was on fire but no one seen to care, as they where about to bock Alice saw 3 hocks wailing on some drunk guy then steal his money and run off.

"I love this town!" Alice chuckled as they dropped anchor.

"Finally, a place where we don't stand out!" Alex cheered.

"I suppose we can't find a place to take a bath without looking like complete sissies...?" Raven asked

"Wimps." Alice scoffed " I lived with hippies remember? I own not taking a shower for mouths on end. Not saying we didn't like taking showers it's just that.... well some times we didn't have running water," Alice sighed shrugging.

Alex's nostrils flared at the mental picture.

"No wonder no one lived past the age of fifty in this era," Raven muttered..

"Let me guess, the sue bathrooms have pink sparkly water that makes you smell like roses," Alex asked sarcastically.

"Actually yes," Raven confessed. "They also put something in the food that would make their bowl movements smell like cinnamon rolls."

"Hey, like that one episode of Family Guy where Peter joins that Beautiful Peoples club?" Alice chuckled. " That's so weird, if you ask me I wouldn't want to date some one whose farts smell like cinnamon rolls,"

Shark Lady shock her head, now perched on the railing of the ship she heard the whole thing.

"Though you humans are tasty your habits are quite disgusting."

"I think that's where they got the idea," Raven confessed. "They're really not very original."

The Shark Lady dives back into the murky water as the hunters disembarked.

"Yes! Dry land!" Raven cheered when they stepped off. "I could kiss this ground if it wasn't covered in stale beer and piss!"

"And many, many other things I really don't want to think about," Alice said smiling. She had always wanted to get into a pirate bar fight and damnit she was going to be in one.

"Keep an eye on your purses girls," Alex eyed the scene around them.

"Purses?" Raven fluttered her eyelashes trying to look innocent. "You're the one holding them, remember?"

"It looks like we'll make a nice profit out of this, if we sell the hair and take whatever valuables they're holding. Not hard given they always over-do it with the jewels and usually have a lot of money on them."

" We have purses?" Alice asked.

"We have the money we got from the three ladies we took care of in the governor's mansion," Alex told her. "Remember, in this era pockets were little bags that people carried around with them."

"oh thats right," Alice said, " wasnt really thinking of their money,"

"What kind of sue do you think we'll find here?" Alex asked Raven, ignoring Alice.

"Hooker sue and pirate wench sue probably. Maybe Jack's daughter sue depending on the character. Maybe another bored tavern keeper depending on how original the writers are feeling."

"Lest not forget Pick Pocket Sue and Stowaway Sue," Alice chuckled, "I managed to get one of those when I blew up the ship."

The three sue hunters and their pets walked into the chaotic streets of Tortuga. Alice smiling from ear to ear looking around like a child in Disney land.

"I want a drink," Alex said cheerfully. "Let's see if any of these charming fellows can direct a lady towards the nearest bar." She eyed two "charming fellows" who were relieving a man of his wallet.

"According to the fans it's a place called "the faithful bride". Apparently it was a name that started in fanfiction and caught on." Raven told her.

"I really don't care what its called as long as I get a stiff drink," Alice said, " Hey you put him down!" The small hunter yelled as a dirty child tried to carry off Dexter. Most likely to skin and eat him.

Then Alex heard a lot of yelling and off-key singing.  
"Ladies, I think we just found it."

* * *

" Oh yeah! jackpot!" Alice cried happily as the walked into the crowed bar. It was wall to wall drunken singing pirates. In one corner was a ragtag band playing some shanty. There where whores and many rooms on the second story where even more drunken men where.. Most of them doing things that should be done in a room.

Alex's eyes moved to the corner where a _"poor trampled rose with hair like summer acorns"_ was being propositioned by a hairy man that smelled like goats.

"We need a distraction, so her fan club won't try to defend her." She looked at Alice. "Raven and I will drag her upstairs and finish her."

Alice got a devilish smile and picked up a discarded mug and though the cup at the back of a huge, muscular man's head.

" What the hell!?" he roared in anger and turned around. "which one of yah dogs gots the guts ta pick a fight with me?!"

Alice put on a shocked expression and pointed to the man next to her that had his back turned. His face turn bright red and graded the guys shoulder, turned him around and slugged the man right in the face.

"Hey!" cried the other mans friend, with a grunt he pulled the bigger man in the jaw.

With an evil chuckle Alice jumped up onto a table. " BAR FIGHT!!!!" In seconds the whole bar broke into a fighting frenzy. Punching, kicking, tables and chairs flying everywhere. Alice instantly dove head first into the chaos.

"Looks like Alice is enjoying herself," Raven nodded. Their small friend seemed to be on some kind of weird high, just like after she blew up the ship in Port Royal.

With a high pitched cry Alice picked up a chair and bashed it over a older mans head. That same, to large smile on her face grew even more as she punched the same man in the face.

"You're coming with us missy," Alex grabbed the sue by the arm and tried to drag her upstairs.

"Let me go fiend!" She cried but couldn't make herself heard above the noise. Raven tried to cover her mouth but was promptly bitten.

"Oh son of a bitch!"

The sue tried to turn and run away but her way was blocked by two women Alex recognised as Scarlett and Griselle.

"I don't know who she is," Scarlet glared. "But she's not one of us."

Alex knew what she meant. The true whores of Tortuga were grimy like everyone else, and obviously didn't have the benefits of health care or proper food.. The sue was neat and clean and was obviously healthy and well fed, even her teeth where white.

"At first we thought she was some well to do lady on hard times," Griselle glared at her as well. "She turns her nose up at all the food and refuses customers."

"This lady," Alex grabbed the sue. "Is probably just a young girl stupid enough to run away from home to seek a life more dangerous and exciting, isn't that right pet?" she grinned at her squirming captive.

"My name is Belle Duchess Hannah O'Riley," she sniffed. "I ran away from home because my husband used to beat and rape me..."

"That's the sob story she fed us, isn't that right Griselle?" Scarlett turned to her friend who nodded.

"That's right, at first we thought 'poor little thing' and shared our food with her.. But she's down right mad, she is. Claims she bore a child by the handsome Jack Sparrow, though the little mite couldn't be older than fifteen. We know for a fact that our Jack doesn't like young girls."

"In that case, she has clearly escaped from the mad house if you'll excuse us." Alex and Raven dragged her to an upstairs bedroom.

Speaking of mad houses, Alice some how managed to get herself onto the old wooden shadler over the bar and was now laughing like a mad man.

"Heads up!" she cried as she cut the rope holding the old thing up. The shadler came crashing to the ground with a loud bang. Shacking the whole Inn taking out 5 poor souls in the process.

"20 points!" the smaller hunter yelled with glee.

"What are we going to do with her? I know we said the next one would be an acid bath, but all the things are on the ship," Raven whispered as quietly as she could.

"Wat r u 2 wispering aboot?" Belle cried.

"Before you made that little scene missy," Alex scolded like an overbearing mother. "We had come to tell you that we heard you were a fan of our dear captain, and we just so happen to know where he is."

"Oh would you take me?" this time her cry was a happy one, she fell to her knees and clasped her hands dramatically in the prayer position and looked up at them, giving them big blue cartoon puppy-dog eyes.

"Yes, we'll take you if you leave all quiet-like." Raven grinned.

"Oh hurray!" Belle hugged them both and they slipped out the door.

"Was the distraction necessary?" Raven asked Alex quietly. "I mean, if all we had to do was mention Jack to get to come quietly?"

"If we'd mentioned Jack in front of her fan club, it would have started a fight regardless. This one seems more like "the sweet and innocent" sue that makes everyone nice, like the one at the Prancing Pony, than a hooker sue."

"But Scarlett and Griselle told us that she told them she was a whore. Obviously her author is a nice sweet girl who thought it might be fun to write a prostitute character and realised partway though the story that she didn't have it in her to write it. I think her author has abandoned her. She shouldn't be too hard to kill since her author won't suddenly give her any new powers or anything to try and save her."

* * *

While they were making their way back to the ship Belle skipped and chattered about how she would name all of her children after her favourite flowers.

"And there's Lilly and Rose and Jasmine and Lavender and Honeysuckle and Rosemary and Daisy and Thyme..."

"That's a herb," Alex pointed out and she was ignored.

"And Sunflower ooh we could call her Sunny for short isn't that just perfect? And daffodil of course, that one's funny we could call her Daff, or Daffy..."

"Oh look, your chariot awaits!" Alex interrupted pointing at the boat.

"And of course there are stones to consider," she giggled as she lifted her skirts to climb on board. "Sapphire and Ruby and Emerald and Diamond and...and Sapphire," the sue cooed with a "the lights are on but nobody's home" look on her face.

"You said that one twice," Raven grumbled. "Man what I wouldn't give to have those winged monkeys right now."

"Ooh you had a flying monkey? I had a tiny pink flying unicorn called Mr Sparkles..."

"Oh look, here we are," Raven was glad they weren't really going to undertake a sea vouage with her, she would have killed her after five minutes.

"And he got pregnant and had babies and they were sooooooo cute!" she squeed.

"A boy unicorn go pregnant? Oh girl that is ten different kinds of messed up," Raven shook her head.

"And why aren't we moving? I want to go see Jack now!" she stamped her foot.

"Our friend is coming with us," Alex grinned.

"Oh joy!" she clapped her perfectly manicured hands. "Another friend, the more the merrier! And now dear friends, I will share with you a glorious secret!" Her baby blue eye flutter and she straightened her silver tiara in her "shinning golden locks that shone in the most glorious glory you would ever see in your glorious life."

"For you see dear friends, I am a princess!" she announced joyfully.

"Wasn't her hair brown before?" Raven asked.

"Oh good sue, her author's changing the character!" Alex told her.

"She's realised that she can't make hooker sue work so she's changing her into a goddam princess!"

"I disguised myself a whore so I might wander Tortuga and find Captain Jack Sparrow who is secretly a prince and we can get married!"

"Oh for the love of canon..."

Then a cold horror washed over Alex as she realised that Belle's hooker outfit had been changed in a hauntingly familiar dress. A bright pink dress with many ruffles and ribbons and ruffles and bows and ruffles and sparkles and ruffles and sequence and ruffles and bows and ruffles and beads and ruffles and sparkles and ruffles and ribbons and ruffles and jewels and many many ruffles.

"Oh...god....Raven!" she shrieked like a banshee being tortured. "Get the bath ready!"

Raven pulled a lever and a cloth fell away revealing a large tub full of acid.

"Oooh, are we having a bath?" Belle smiled. "I would so love a bath!"

"Are we waiting for Alice?" Raven asked. "And what's wrong with you Alex, you look like someone told you sex has just been declared illegal."

"Th-that dress!" Alex moaned and pointed with a shaking finger.

"I know, it's just super-duper right?" Belle giggled and climbed up the ladder on the side of the tub and bounced a few times on the diving board.

"Oh this is just wonderful, she's going to off herself, we won't even have to lift a finger." Raven looked like she was about to watch a movie she'd been really looking forward to.

" Jump! Jump! Come on I won't bite! Lets swim together!" Cried Shark Lady smiling so wide they could see all her sharp crooked teeth.

"God Lord what happen to her?!" called Alice as she boarded the ship. She was now sporting a new hat, and was wearing a much nicer jacket. Her shirt had blood on it and it looking like she was getting a black eye. "Is this the same sue from the bar?"

Dexter trotted up right behind her with what looked like a shimmering horn in his mouth. It was quit funny looking, as the cat could only fit the end into his mouth and the rest was dragging on the wood.

The sue executed a perfect swam dive into the bath full of acid. Alex had been looking forward to hearing her scream, but she didn't get the chance to since she had landed in the tub face-first.

Her skin liquefied slightly and fell off her bones in chunks like meat coming out of a slow cooker. The three hunters were rewarded with the stench of Satan himself as the girl's insides were liquefied. The acid turned red, and then pink and what remained of the sue rose dramatically out of the bath like a decaying phoenix rising out of the ashes. Part of her bottom jaw was gone, along with most of her face and her insides. She started healing until she was almost back to normal and she smiled triumphantly.

" Oh great! She has Super Healing powers! Someone shoot her in the face for me, I used up all my ammo," Alice exclaimed with a digested look on her face.

Tassie growled and started spinning around really fast like the Tassie devil and launched at her. Once he was through she looked like something from a zombie movie, but Hollywood was never this good. Half of her face was normal but the other half was red muscle and goo since Tassie had ripped off the skin. Her intestines were exposed and her throat had been torn out. One of her legs was gone completely and the stump spurted blood.

**"MY DEATH WILL BEEEE AVENGED!"** she roared demonically before her head spun around like something from "the exorcist" and she threw up a fountain of blood while her head was still spinning so as a result it went pretty much everywhere in what Alex called "the sprinkler effect".

Then she let out an almighty scream before her head exploded spraying everyone with brains and fluid..

The trio tried to duck, but not before they ended up covered in it..

"Dude....that was awesome," the shark lady chuckled and gave Tassie a scratch behind the ears. She had watched the whole show perched on the rail. "Now pass me a leg!"

"That.... was the single, most coolest thing I have ever seen." Alice said, amazed. "I mean, damn I think that wins Sue Kill of the Week. Though I could have done with out the whole being covered in brain matter! This coat us brand new!" She complained as she brushed the goo off herself.

Still looking WAY too happy Alice picked up on of the Sue severed legs and handed it to Shark Lady. Dexter sniffed the blood then went back chewing the shining horn.

"Alex you won't believe what happen on my way here. I was running back to the ship cuz I didn't want to miss the slaughter; when all of a sudden a f-ing unicorn comes flying out of nowhere and attacks us! Can you believe that, bastard had some ugly ass babies with it too. They made good target practices. Though Dexter got the big one and ate most of it." The hunters could hear the cracking of breaking bones as they're toothy friend bit into the severed leg.

"Alas! Our queen is dead!" they heard a squeaky voice and tiny crying. There were three tiny pink flying unicorns the size of dragon flies.

"So she was princess of the retarded winged ponies…" Alex laughed.

"We are Sprinkles, Sir Fluffims and Captain Spanky!" they all cried at once. "Alas! Our glorious leader had died! Oh Glorious Queen Belle! Never again will we see your beautiful face or hear your sweet song!" Then the leader of the flying retards started preaching like they were at a funeral.

" I know I've seen some dumb animals before but this takes the cake," Alice said.

"Today Glorious Queen©, you pass on into legend and you will remain in our hearts as a glorious memory of the days of glory!" They fluttered their wings and flowers began to shower what was left of the sue while Alex doubled over laughing while mouthing "Captain Spanky."

"But how could our Glorious Queen© be dead?" one of the horses started to cry again. "The great prophecy says that the Glorious Queen© can only be destroyed by the Great Beast!"

"Good god, does she know any words other than glorious?" Raven muttered.

"Traitor!" they flew at Raven. "THOU HAST DARED TO MOCK OUR GLORIOUS QUEEN©?"

"I rest my case," she muttered while swatting at them.

"Really REALLY dumb!" Alice stated again.

"It is The Great Destroyer!" one of them pointed a hoof at Alice. "The might terror who destroyed our comrades!"

"What?" the small hunter asked in shock.

"ATTACK! REVENGE! REVENGE!"

Tassie snarled and snapped at them and then they started screaming.

"It's the Great Beast! Come to end our lives and we know it and rule us with terror for seven years! The end is nigh! REPENT! REPENT!" they screamed and Tassie promptly swallowed them.

Alice smile grew and she doubled over with laughter. "I-I'm The Great Destroyer?! th-thats the best nickname I've ever gotten!" the hunter howled with laughter. It took her a few minutes to catch her breath. " I-I swear, this whole deal had is like one hell of a acid trip! I'm the Great Destroyer and Tassie is The Beast!" Another wave of laugher washed over her.

" I will avenge my fallen brothers!" Cried one of the last horse bug things as it bit into Alice's ear.

"Ow! you little--" Alice hissed as she flicked the thing away. It drop to the wooden floor one of its wings broken squeaking something about revenge. " And goodbye!" Alice said dryly has she stomped on the hours thing. Gooey pink stuff squirted out of it covering Alice's shoe.

"Ah damn, and these where newly stolen too," The hunter sighed.

"Why do I feel so tired?" Raven asked. "It's like when that bitch was babbling she sucked the energy out of me."

"I know the feeling, like when you've been talking to someone very boring for a long time. I got that in school," Alex stifled a yawn.

"I don't know what you guys are talking about, I'm still cranked up from the fight," Alice exclaimed jumping up and down. This woman had way too much energy.

"Is she on speed or something," The Shark Lady asked but then got that ' I shouldn't have said that look'. " Not that I know what that is because it wasn't invited yet because I'm not a Sue," she said with a couch and shifted her eyes. "Oh look people!" And with that she dove back into the murky waters and swam away.

"Remind me to keep to an eye on her," Raven yawned again.

A/N: Bonus points to anyone who recognises the sue's dress :)


	7. The return of an old foe

Author's notes: I'm hoping this is going to be the last superduper late chapters. The delay was entirly my fault and due to problems with work, my short drama-queen of a (now ex) boyfriend, a laptop and internet connection that weren't talking and depression. Now I have no job and no boyfriend, a working computer and I'm officially moved back into my parents house I'll have a lot more free time. I'm going to work on this story every day and that's an iron-clad promise. Thank you all for your patience.

"So why where you freaked out about that sue's dress?" Raven asked Alex. "You've been sue slaying for years, I thought you'd be used to them."

"I killed a sue in Middle Earth with the same dress," Alex replied looking a little green. "It was exactly the same, a bright pink dress with many ruffles and ribbons and ruffles..."

"We get the picture. "

Alice looked like she was deep in thought, which was kinda a rare sight for her. " Maybe it was just the same writer, yah know. Probably wasn't smart enough to think up a new wardrobe. I remember meting this one Sue in Final Fantasy 7 that had a white dress with lots of ruffles, and beads, and ribbons, and ruffles and ruffles..."

" The next person so say the word ruffle will have their arm ripped off and eaten!" hissed the Shark Lady as she chewed though one of the legs of the last sue they killed.

"Ruffles..." Raven said in a bored tone.

"Oh that is IT!" The shark lady threw the leg at her and she ducked.

" Don't come whining to me when you get our arm ripe off. This is all your own fault," Alice said as she walked away from the two, Shark Lady now chewing on Raven's arm. Thank God she was wearing a leather coat or it would have been ripped off by now.

Alice walked up next to Alex and leaned on the railing. " Any idea about are next move caption?" the small hunter said caption in a semi mocking tone.

"I can't wait until they finish making those sue detectors, hunting like this it's too easy for a few to slip through the net."

" Well we still got the fur balls" Alice said though a yawn. " I hate standing around too long, let's just walk around. We have to run into one sooner or later. Hell one might even come to us, just look like you got some cash and the pit-pocket sues will come running."

"Oh woe is me!" Alex threw her hand up to her forehead dramatically. "I am but a poor (but very hot and well groomed) street urchin who ran away from home and stowed away on board a pirate ship to avoid being arrested for a crime I did not commit..."

Then they heard a very loud sneeze come from below deck.  
Raven raised her baton.

"If I'm not back in two minutes... you know what to do."

Alice nodded her fingers twitching, eager for action, a smile crept across her face.

" you think the sues would be better at this sort of thing," Alice whispered to Alex as Raven went below.

They heard a squeal and Raven dragged a small dark-haired girl up by her hair.

"It appears we have a stow-away," she grinned like a chesire cat.

"Oh woe is me, I am but a poor orphaned street urchin, I stowed away on your ship to escape persecution for a crime that I did not commit..." The Sue said in a misty, dreamy sort of voice.

" Ok, Alex that's just spooky. You might have been doing this waaaaaaay to long." Alice said shaking her head.

"I am but a poor urchin..." the girl continued, her eyes glazing over. That's when Raven realised what was wrong.

"She's not pretty, that's pretty weird for a sue..."

" Well, maybe her author made a anti-sue. It happens. Just get it over with and kill her or I will," Alice grumbled.

"Maybe she's just a fan girl," Raven suggested. "Or one of the sue-fans who got sent here by mistake."

"We're not allowed to kill fan girls or anti-sues," Alex said ruefully.

"You kill people all the time," Raven reminded her.

"Yeah, back when I was a freelance hunter and I didn't have anyone to answer to. Even when I was an assassin I still had to stick to the job. This is just like my old job, only no one care what happens to the sues."

"Where that is sue scanner? Then we wouldn't have to worry and we can get on killing her,"

Alex found her sue scanner.

"It says she's just a fan girl, probably a girl from Earth who ended up here and hoped that she had become a sue. We need to call Kay and get a portal, they can send her back."

"No, don't send me back!" the girl shrieked. "I can't go home, not until I've met Jack!"

Alice bit her bottom lip, weather it was in anger, they couldn't tell. She crouched down next to the would-be sue and looked her right in the eye, her cold gray eyes boring into her.

" Let me tell you something girly, do you even know what a Sue is?" Alice all most hissing the words out. "A Sue is something that thinks it's better than everyone else, it thinks it can sing, thinks its prettier then everyone, and thinks everyone loves her and should worship the ground they walk on. But in reality, their just miserable little bugs that are selfish, petty, and so self-centred that they believe the whole world revolves around them and their tragic love story. No one really loves them, they have to drug them or use mind-control to make people think their all powerful and "superez hawt!1" if they weren't, then she would either be shot on the spot or though into the madhouse. Personally I like the first option." Alice sneered her face inches from the girls. " Now tell me, do you really want to end up like that?"

"N-no, I don't think so," her eyes darted around as she looked at the armed women.

" aw, little fan girl, you need to be much more clearer then that if you want to live," Alice didn't sound threatening or anger when she said this, in fact she sounded oddly serene witch only made it that much scarier.

"No! No! I swear, I just want to go home! Elle was all like "let's go to pirates and meet Jack" but the movies didn't mention the sunburn and how disgusting you get when you don't have a bath after a while..."

Alex played with her sword.

"Your friend, where is she?"

"She went really weird, her hair went all sparkly and she wouldn't stop giggling and she kept insisting her name was Annabelle Moonshine."  
Alex called Kay.

"Kay? Come in Kay."

"I hear you loud and clear Agent Arganough."

"We have a fan girl here, we need a portal to send her home."

"We'll bring her here so we can figure out where she's from." Alex turned to the fan girl.

"We can send you to our headquarters, they'll figure out where you're from and send you back."

The girl nodded.

"But what about Anni?"

"Here's my advice girl," Raven put a hand on her shoulder as a blue swirly portal opened up on the deck. "Forget your friend. Just go home."

" She's right, there's nothing you can do for her now. Just forget about her and next time be more careful with choosing your friends," Alice added before turning her back on all of them and walked below deck.

The girl nodded. "I will, thanks for...not killing me, I guess." She stepped through the portal and was gone.

" I found more rum!" Alice cried with joy from the hold.

Dexter gave a sleepy meow and stretched out his back, unsheathing his claws in the proccess.

"We have to make sure this shit isn't spiked," Raven took a bottle. "That last kill was trippy. If I take one swig of this stuff and see a troop of dwarfs singing "we represent the lollypop guild" I'm throwing the whole lot overboard."

" Ah, but getting high is fun!" Alice whined and she took a swing from the rum bottle.

The shack lady had come back right about then and shock her head. " You are a horrible role model Alice, even by my standards."

"I used to deal in high school," Alex grinned while Raven was thinking 'man, those two are so going to run off to Vegas so they can get married in a shed full of bloody chainsaws with a priest dressed as Freddy Krueger'

" You couldn't deal let alone get high in our school most of the time without getting caught, damn mind reading..." Alice muttered trailing off.

Just then they hear a "blood chilling scream of a dainty little voice" coming from town.

"And I was just getting bored," Alex put down the rum and unsheathed her sword.

" Ten shillings says it's another hooker sue," Alice said as the ran off the ship and into the dark city.

"Oh! Someone rescue me from this foul fiend!" The screaming grew louder and more winey.

Alice looked back at Alex and Raven. " We should split up," She said still running between the drunk crowed.

Alex nodded and the three girls split. Like lionesses circling their prey, cutting off all escape routes.

The scream sounded again, this time louder. Though for some odd reason no one seen to hear or care, wither it was because this was normal in Tortuga or it has something to do with the Sue's magic none of the hunters knew.

Probably the sue magic so she won't get rescued by a passer-by before the hero arrives, Raven thought.

Meanwhile, Alex had pounced on the sue and her attacker, a "seedy looking man who was, lyke, all totally gross and stuff"

The girl flipped her "sleek midnight black hair" and turned to face Alex.

" Thanks ever so much, I would have kicked that man's ass myself but he was waaaaay to gross," She giggled flashing Alex a smile, her teeth where so white and sparkly that it almost blind the hunter. When Alex saw the Sue's face she just about shit bricks, beneath the horrible over done beauty and make up the Sue bore a sticking resembles to Alice.

Raven fought like a berserker with a sledge hammer, mostly force with little technique. Alex had been the SSU's best undercover agent before she was a slayer, with her the fighting was always sneaky whilst Alice was explosive. And this, Alex thought, was why the three complimented each other so well.

"No problem," she smiled and flipped her hair. "Lyke, who wants to get his yucky germs anyway?"

" Oh my god I know right!' The Sue giggled again. " Lyke, my name is Maybell Gem Moonlight Starfire Sparrow, what's yours?"

"I'm Annabelle Snow-Dove," she could see Raven giving her a "what the hell look" from the crowd. Maybell's resemblance to Alice was eerie and she wanted to find out more. It could have been coincidence, but in the past she had learned that even the tiniest details could matter. "Are you, lyke, related to Jake Sparrow?"

" Lyke yeah! I'm his daughter!" Maybell smiled again. If Alex looked hard enough, grant it she didn't go blind from staring at her shiny teeth to long, she could see that she had the same too-big-for-her-face-smile. " My Mother was a hooker who was really a princess, but she ran away with her love Jake! But she was tragically murdered! So I'm seeking revenge on her killers! All the while Jack doesn't even know I was ever born!"

"Really? Murdered? Oh gosh, how horrible!" Alex gasped while a chill went down her spine. "Wait, was she wearing a pink dress with lots of ruffles, by any chance?"

"La gasp!" she wondered if the sue was going to brutalise the French language as well as English. "Yes that's her! Did you see who killed her by chance? I swear I'll cast the worst spell on them when I change them! Oh, btw, I'm a witch too!" Maybell giggled 'cutely'.

"The prophesy came true. And the Glorious Queen can only be destroyed by the Great Beast, who shalt rise and rule the unicorns with terror for seven years."

Now let's see what she thinks of that, Alex thought to herself.

" Oh silly! My Mother always gets so confused! That me the prophesy was talking about! I'm the Queen of the pirates!" Maybell said, giggling again. Alex had the feeling that if Alice was around the giggling would have caused her to snap by now and chop off the sues head.

"I guess you also inherited your mother's position, does that make you queen of the unicorns as well? You'd have to watch out for the Great Beast."

She hoped the sue was as dumb as she looked, or she'd realise that Alex knew a little too much.

"Ew, no. unicorns are for girly wissy! I'm queen of the dragons!" Maybell exclaimed striking a dramatic pose.

" what the fuck! Andy what are YOU doing here?" Alice cried out in horror from the other side of the muddy street.

The sue's face turned a sick red colour and she turned to face the younger hunter. " Do NOT call my Andy! I hate that name! it's for a boy!" Maybell/Andy screamed, all its of the surgery voice gone.

" Oh blow it out your ass you stuck up bit-"

" Your just jealous!" The sue snapped, cutting her off.

" Jealous my ass! If I was ANYTHING like you I would shot myself in the head!" Alice almost hiss taking a step forwarded.

The obvious thought was that perhaps this was a sue that she had tried to kill and filed, the sue that got away. But they didn't fight like old enemies, more like friends-turned enemies.

"You two know each other?" Did "Maybell" know that Alice was a slayer? Alex felt Tassie rub against her leg, ready to attack at her command.

The two completely ignored Alex both so close now they could aim to kill with a short range weapon.

" God you became a hunter?" Maybell/ Andy ringed her nose like she smelled something horrible. "I thought you liked breaking the rules?"

" Not when its canon Andy! Canon should be left alone, not twisted into some shity fluff story!" Alice shouted, she looked like she was ready to punch the sue but Alex saw that she seen to be almost holding back.

" That's the same dumb speech you gave me last time. When are you going to see that's its fan fiction, I can do whatever the hell I want." Maybell/Andy said almost pouting.

" Damnit Andy, you've always been a selfish brat, even when we were kids! Grow the hell up!"

" Alice, Alice, Alice... I Think you're the one that needs to do a bit of growing. My normal height is now 5'9. Now, remind me how tall are you?" The Sue said with a argent smirk.

Now both the other hunters thought the Sue was dead and waaaay gone, knowing Alice usually throw a hug hissy hit when her height was brought into play. But nothing happen, Alice just stood there shacking so hard it looked like she was having a stroke.

They fight like old friends, Alex thought. Or, she added with a horrifying thought, like sisters. If that were the case, she wouldn't kill "Maybell" without Alice's permission.

"Alice might be small, but even as a rookie she's better than a lot of full-grown slayers." Alex said in total honesty with her hand on her sword hilt.

" I'm NOT small! And I AM full grown, I'm 21!" Alice almost hissed. " Andy why don't you just give up now? You know I always beat you in a fight when we wear kids."

" That was then! Now I'm a Maybell and far more powerful than I ever was before!" Andy/Maybell shouted as she lunged at Alice.

Then all hell broke loss, Alice drew her cutthroat as Maybell pulled a gleaming silver sword out of nowhere. When the two blades met they gave off bright sparks, though Alex was sure it was just a magic fetcher of the sue sword that was making them. It made the battle look cooler, or so the sues thought.

Suddenly bright, fire breathing dragons can out of the blue sky like bats out of hell and attacked the other two hunters. It was clear that there was a hug different between this sue and the hooker sue from before. Where the hooker sue was clearly a damsel in distress they where curtly dealing with a warrior sue and her pets. Dexter hissed and truing into his real form attacked one of the smaller dragons.

Tassie hissed.

"Behold the great beast of the prophesy!" Alex yelled and drew her sword.

Raven rolled her eyes and ditched her baton for a pistol. Alex could tell that she was wishing she had Van Helsing's rapid-fire crossbow.

The dragons did not sway and fly around in a panic like the unicorns did. Instead they cocised on turning Tassie into extra crispy chicken.

Alex turned on her communicator.

"Kay, we have an emergency, a warrior sue and a swarm of dragons."

"What do you need Alex?"

"I need an emergency transformation now. Geez, the pets can turn back whenever they want but we need procedure."

"Tigers exist in canon, nothing says that vampires do."

"What says they don't? If the writers decided that vampire's existed it would be canon." She grabbed Tassie and dodged a dragon's flaming breathe.

"But we can't decide to bend the rules whenever we want, you know why," Kay reminded her.

"Fine, I stole some cursed gold form an Egyptian tomb and now I'm cursed to walk the earth as a member of the undead," she thought frantically of the first movie. "Only this curse turned me into a vampire and it hasn't worked so far because the curse takes hold on my twenty fifth birthday, which is now!"

"It's a stretch," she could hear the tense tone to his voice. "Slayers are supposed to do things on their own, that kind of coincidence and gaining new powers to deal with a situation is a sue trait. It's tough enough trying to justify all the technology we let you walk in with."

"Kay! We're getting slaughtered here!"

"Alright, but there's no going back. If I turn you into a vamp there's no turning you back until you're back here, no matter what kind of excuses you guys come up with."

"Fine, do it," she had a plan.

Suddenly there was nothing but pain, like a thousand needles stabbing into her body. But when it cleared, she felt a rush of strength as her vampire powers took hold.

"Ah, vampire night vision, there's nothing like it."

She jumped up, glad for the vampiric, strength, speed and agility. She wrapped her arms and legs around a dragon's neck and using her knife, she made a cut on its neck and bit down, injecting as much venom as she could. Vampire venom was poisonous to animals, hopefully it would have the same effect on the dragons.

" What? That's so not fair!" Alice cried as she blocked another blow from Maybell's sword. Alice was strictly on the offensive at the moment and she was not liking it on bit. " Hey Kay! It would be really nice to have my X gene back!"

"Sorry Alice, Alex was able to weave her vampire powers into the story... kinda. Anyway there is no way we can get your powers past canon," Kay said.

" oh that's total bull-" Alice was cut off when Maybell/Andy kicked her right in the face with a super double cross dragon kick. Alice flew into the nearby building smashing her head into the brick wall on impacted. For a few seconds the small hunter saw bright stars dance in her vision, shaking her head she got back onto her feet.

" Oh come on!" Alice snorted, "If you're going to cheat at least do it right! that's not even a real move of any fight style!"

Her head still spinning Alice leaped forwarded and swung down her blade. Maybell/Andy smiled slyly and blocked the clumsy attack with ease and using her free hand knocked Alice back again.

" Oh and those stupid little powers of your aren't?" Maybell inquired as she walked closer to where Alice fell.

Alice smiled, blood and stained her teeth and lips making it more menacing and crazed then it usually looked. " Your just pissy because I got the powers and you didn't," the hunter almost hissed the words.

The dragon Alex had been fighting went still and crashed onto the ground. Then its eyes opened, but now they were blood-red.

"Oh great, a vampire dragon. We are so screwed," Raven did a face-palm before shooting another dragon in the eyes.

The dragon roared and Alex made a face.

"Oh no you don't, sweetie. As your maker I COMAND you to stop!"

The dragon stopped struggling, but then it started shaking. The trembling became more violent before the dragon exploded, showering everyone with dragon-guts.

As Dexter took down the last of the dragons Raven and Alex heard a high pitted screech from where Alice and the Sue where fighting, at first they thought it was Alice. But as they turned to look they saw that Alice was sitting on Maybell's/ Andy's back pulling her hair with a wide smile on her face.

"Say Uncle!" Alice almost giggled with what seen like insane joy as she pulled on her hair again. "Say it!"

" No!" The Sue cried as she tried and failed to wiggle away. " you can't make me!"

"Wait, is she the friend that the fan girl mentioned? The one we sent home?" Raven suggested. Tassie peed on Maybell's shoes and Alex pointed her sword at the dragons. "Attack, and we kill your mistress."

" No you stuuupid tardier!" The sue hissed, she would have looked threatening if it wasn't for the fact that Alice was still sitting on her. " I was born here!"

" Bull shit!" Alice said pulling her hair harder. " You were born in Jersey on the communed just like me you little brat."

" NO! I'm not from that stinky hippy dump! My Mother was a princess!" Maybell sniffed, wincing in pain as Alice pulled her hair again.

"What do you want to do with her?" Alex asked Alice gently. "Should we send her to rehab?"

The sue screamed. "I shall never be taken prisoner!"

"Listen close sweetheart," Alex hissed. "Normally I would just find something blunt and impale you on it, but since you're related to Alice I'm willing to give you a chance. What do you say?"

Alice's face when pale and she stopped pulling on the Sues hair. " Wh-who ever said we were related?"

Alex sighed.

"She looks like you, you said you grew up with Hippies in Jersey, she said she grew up with hippies in Jersey."

"Plus you argue like siblings, or at least old friends," Raven added. Alex was glad that she wasn't the only one who noticed. It was easy to see what had happened, Alice had inherited all the powers, their parents were happy to have a mutant child and desperate for attention, Andy had turned to suedom.

The Sue giggled and used Alice's shock to push her off the her back." I'm free!" still giggling she lunged at Raven, her hands now glowing gold with some kind of magic. " DIE!"

There was a sharp crack and the sue fell face first into the mud. Alice was on her knees with a smocking pistol in her hand and a grim frown on her face.

"Was she your sister?" Raven asked.

Alice sighed heavily and stood up, putting her pistol away as she did so.

" I don't really like people to know, it's like having a family member that's a child murderer or something. Plus it's so damn stupid that it sounds like a sue background story." Alice said scratching the back of her head.

"What do you want to do with the body?"Raven asked gently.

Alice sighed and shock her head. " you don't have to do anything..."

Just then the Sues body dissolved into a fine pink dust and floated away. Dexter sniffed the air and sneezed hard, shaking his head like he was trying to get something out of his head.

Tassie cowered behind Alex.

"Some fierce sue-killing machine you are."

"Are you sure turning back into a vampire was a good idea?"Raven asked, eyeing her new pale complexion. "Sure you have super strength, speed, agility and night vision but now you can't go out in the sun and the longer you'll go without feeding, the less human you'll look. Admit it Alex, it was the mother of bad decisions. Every time you have to go human for a mission you spend the whole time whining."

" I'm so not bunking with you any more, I'll change sleeping with Dexter." Alice said crossing her arms, still upset that Kay wouldn't let her go mutant and let Alex get your vampire powers.

"I think Kay's teaching you a lesson," Raven thought. "You can't just vamp-up whenever you want, there are consequences. You've made the mission ten times more difficult now."

"Sues are nocturnal, "Alex argued. "So they can seduce Jack under "the romance of the full moon." I swear we've seen three full moons in the past two weeks."

"You might be right Alex, but day still exists. How do you expect to sail in your condition? I don't want powers myself, I've been a sue for so long I'm really enjoying being average." She looked at Alice. "I'm sure we can convince them to give you back your mutant gene as long as we can get the powers past cannon. After all, a lot of the sues have powers."

"They've got strict rules because they don't too many super-powers individuals running around," Alex grumbled. "I'm sure you're right, Raven. He only let me get my vampy powers back to teach me a lesson."

" Well it's a good thing the ship sails it's self." Alice said as Dexter finale turned back into a orange tabby." Let's just drop the whole getting my powers back right know. To be honest this last fight drained the hell out of me."

"You two can go back to the ship and sleep, "Alex grinned. "But I want to enjoy the nightlife before dawn hits."

"Just be careful Alex, I know in 21st century New York no one notices a woman running around on rooftop but it's different here." Raven cautioned.

"It was the spider-man movieverse. They were used to weirdness stupid spider-girl sue..." Alex growled.

"Exactly." Raven nodded.

" Hey I know the real Spider Girl, she's not half bad." Alice said as she took another step back from Alex. " She was funny, like her dad...still got annoying after a while though."

"You'd be surprised how many sues didn't know that Mayday already existed and thought they were being original. We had five different Mary-sue spider girls running around at the same time." Alex told her.

"Yeah, three of them were claiming to be his daughter and two of them were bitten by another genetically engendered spiders. When the movie writers created 15 of the damn things and also failed to kill off the one that bit Peter, it opened the floodgates for Mary Sues. There was a sixth spider-girl but she was just an OC and not a sue so we left her." Raven shrugged. "As long as Charlotte kept her background story as the daughter of a scientist who got bitten by one of the other spiders she was fine. She was smart enough not to try and link herself to another character."

"In the end, we didn't have to do anything to them," Alex grinned. Raven had never seen her so excited. "The three claiming to be his daughter ended up beating each other to a pulp. We just sat back and watched and then cleaned up when they'd all weakened each other.

"I remember, "Raven grimaced. "You got your butt kicked when one of them turned up to have sun-light powers. Charlotte had to let you feed from her."

"Spider-girl blood tastes like men's deodorant," Alex informed them while Tassie and Dexter played "chase the rat".

" Its ten times worse when you have to live with that crap day after day, I LIVED in that universes remember. I had to put up with Storm's daughters and Nightcrawer wannabes without my Sue killing licence. It's a wonder I didn't snap sooner." Alice chuckled as she watched Dexter try to bite Tassie. " Though that dose sound like fun, did you get a pictures?"

Alex grinned.

"There is one of two of them mud wrestling in bikinis. We also found a stu that was the result of a male pregnancy."

"Oh god don't remind me," Raven pinched the bridge of her nose. "You you know who his fathers were?

" Harry Osborn and Peter right?" Alice guessed raising her eye brow.

"Not even close," Raven shook her head. "You better tell her, Alex. I might be sick if I try."

"Nightcrawler and Wolverine." Alex grinned. "He was a hairy blue Canadian and he was awesome," she cackled. "Not to mention all the dirty puns about his 'claws'. The real Logan would probably kill someone if he read that little piece of fan fiction, am I right? Raven hates that pairing, it gives her nightmares."

"GA! My mind! it buuuuuuurns!" Alice cried clutching her head.

Alex laughed and Raven made a gagging sound.  
"You really are a sadist Alex, thanks for making me bring that up...and my dinner..."

" you know what... Winsest. there I said it. Let that sink in a bit jerks..."

"Ew, oh god..." Raven covered her eyes.  
"You know what his name was?"Alex laughed referring to the Wolverine/Nightcrawler love child. "Logurt."

"Until we de-suified him and he decided to call himself Hank Howlet to keep with the alliterative name thing that the Marvel guys seem to be crazy about. He really wasn't too bad after that."

" Logurt...Not as bad as the Yellow Eyed Demon getting down and dirty with Daddy Winchester," Alice shot back.

"I'm off," Alex started to walk off. "Before the sun rises."

"Off to feed?" Raven asked. "No turning anyone or killing."

"Don't worry Raven, careful is my middle name."

" Should we really worry about her killing? I mean, this IS Tortuga."

"True, I just don't want her killing anyone important by accident."

later, Alex returned swaying slightly.

"Hey guys, look what happens when I feed from someone whose drunk?"  
Raven rolled her eyes.

"I'm watching blood-alcohol tester thingy..."

"Breathalyser?"

"Yeah! That thing! This guy has a blood alcohol content of 0.8!"

"Aw, why does SHE get to get drunk!," Alice whined.

Raven felt a tension headache coming on.

"Alex, you are so going to regret this tomorrow morning."


	8. Tia Dalma

A/n: Thanks for your patience to everyone who'd stuck by me. We have the rest of the story figured out and where it's going, but if you would like to suggest a sue it's not too late.

Alex woke up below deck to the ship gently rocking back and forth. Sunlight filtered through the wood and she covered her eyes.

"What's the matter, love? Hangover?' Raven smirked.

"Could be," Alex licked her lips. "Or maybe it's because sunlight always hurts like a bitch."

"Well I got these for you," Raven threw her a long scarf and a wide-brimmed hat. "You can wrap the scarf around your face. I thought about visiting someone and getting some shaded spectacles made since they don't have sunglasses in this era, but I didn't want to draw attention to myself."

" It kinda serves you right for breaking canon rule like that," Alice said stiffly, leaning on the doorframe. She was still a bit bitter that Kay had given Alex her powers back but not hers.

"And because it's due to a curse he's probably put in all kinds of nasty side-effects just to teach you a lesson. You know we _have_ been bending too many rules lately. Too many slayers start thinking they can get away with it and their either become sues themselves or just explode. You know there's only so much cannon will put up with, that's why the universe self-destructs with too many sues around. You're lucky they established the un-dead do exist in the first movie or you would have been in real trouble. Clever thinking with the curse though, that's probably the only reason you're still with us." Raven lectured.

" Though it would have been fun to see you exploded and all, we kinda need you," Alice added with a smirk.

"Then I'll break the curse if that'll make you happy," Alex covered her eyes.

"How? There's magic in this world but not many people who can use it willingly."

"There is one," Alex thought franticly. "There is someone we can go to."

Raven caught on.

"Oh hell," Alice mumbled, thinking she knew what they were talking about.

"We are not going to visit the creepiest woman on the planet to clean up your mistake. Look, your whole "stolen gold turned you into a vampire" thing might have made an interesting fanfiction but as slayers we have to be careful, we're just visitors in this world."

"Tia Dalma might be our only option." Alex stood up. "So either we go see her or I stay a vampire, which is it?"

Alice's eyes widen as she raised her hand " I vote Alex stays a vampire! Knowing that witch she'll turn us all into rock crabs before helping us. That or she'd probably kill Alex on the spot,"

"Maybe she'll be able to help up hunt down the sues," Alex grinned.

"After all, so many of them claim to be either descendent from her or more powerful and I doubt she'd be too happy about that." Raven added.

"What part of 'she'll turn us into rock crabs' do you not understand? I don't think she'll stop and ask if we're Sue's or not!" Alice insisted.

"Good point," Alex admitted.

"Besides, remember how nervous Gibbs was when Jack said he has to visit her?" Raven reminded them. "If a badass pirate is scared, maybe there's a reason."

Meanwhile, in a swamp far far away...

Honey Aqua Crystalmarine was in search of her long lost Mother. Her skin was like "paliest moonlight" her honey coloured tresses that fell like liquid moonlight and her voice spoke of an "innocence long lost and would break your heart to hear it."

She sailed gracefully over the moonlight swap, the bugs all chock from her sent and even the crooks swam away in fear as she made her way to the dimly light hut where she just KNEW her Mother lived.

Tia Dalma heard a knock on her door and on the other side stood a "long lost urchin". The girl was quite tall due to the inclusion of 'long' into her character description.

"Oh Mother, I am so glad to see you!" she threw her arms around her and Tia stiffened.. "I am but all alone in this world, will you take me under your wing and teach me magic?"

When the girl let go Tia Dalma grinned, behind her was a shelf holding a rather large collection of rock crabs in jars.

"I know just what to do with you..."  
.

"I think we should see her. Even if she can't break Alex's curse we can at least see if we can get her help against the sues," Raven was nervous, but thought that it would be the best thing to do.

"Fine, but if Alice is right and we all end up as rock crabs I'm blaming you," Alex told her.

"Well since its all Ravens idea I say she goes first so that when she gets zapped into a rock crab you and me have time to run for our lives." Alice said with a smirk.

"Fine, I'll go first." Raven agreed.

It was a dark and muggy night in the swamp when they turned up at Tia Dalma's doorstep. Raven swatted a mosquito.

"Damn bloodsuckers," she grumbled. Alex laughed.

"Laugh it up chuckles, you don't have to put up with them."  
"That's right," Alex laughed again. "My blood is poisonous."

Alice glared at Alex as she scratched her arm fiercely. " I hate you Alex,"

Suddenly they heard a high pitch scream come from right behind the ricky door of Tia Dalma's. Dexter gave a angry hiss and darted off into the swampy night.

"Stupid cat! He's going to get himself eaten by a crocodile or a native," Alice sighed looking off to where the cat had been.

They all looked at Alex.

"Fierce scary monsters first," Raven muttered.

"I thought we agreed you'd go first cuz this is YOUR idea," Alice pointed out.

"Yeah but Alex is a scary undead vampire."

"Fine, I'll go first if you're too scared." Alex walked up to the door and knocked.

Alex carefully stepped into Tia Dalma's hut. She recognized the shrunken heads that hung on ever wall and other bits of creepy random crap, but the movie never reflected the smell of the swamp and the mud mixed in whatever Tai Dalma was cooking up. In a wooden cage in the far left corner stood a _"fair helpless maiden as fair and frail as the fleeting moonlight"._ Tia Dalma stood in front of her, they couldn't see her face but all three of the hunters had the feeling her had that wicked smile on her face.

Raven noticed a large shelf holding many jars full of rock crabs. She wondered if the others noticed, they were certainly new. Alice shifted from one foot to the other, her eyes lingering on the shrunken heads, suddenly being turned into a rock crab didn't seem so bad.

Alex coughed and Tia Dalma turned. She stared at Alex, like a bug-collector examining a large beetle. Raven prayed that Alex's "condition" would make her curious enough to listen.

"You," she approached Alex and touched her hair. Alex didn't move and inch. "There is something different about you."

She examined Alice next. "And you, you are the small one who blew up Port Royal."

Alice looked around nervously, not too sure if it was trap or what. It took her a few secants to fully realize what she just said. She always had trouble telling what she was saying

" Who you calling small you sea hag! Your just freakishly tall!" Alice streaked before she could stop herself, the other where torn between laughing and being horrified. Alice looked like something from a old cartoon. Her face was so red it wouldn't have shocked them if steam started to come from her ears.  
Tia Dalma stared at Alice and the air almost hummed with tension.

"Watch yourself, and remember whom you are speaking to. If you do not want me to call you "small one", then what is your name?"

"She's Alice," Alex crossed her arms, hoping to draw attention away from Alice. She made a mental note to watch the younger hunter, losing your temper around a sue was one thing, but the most powerful sea witch to ever live? "My name is Alex and she's Raven."

_And to think she was worried she was going to turn her into a rock crab._ Raven though, half-angry at Alice and half-scared for her. She had the feeling of walking on a razor's edge, one false move and they were dead. Or worse, rock crabs. For once, she was glad that Alex had made the decision to be a vamp again. She suspected, or hoped, that Tia Dalma was curious enough that she would want to keep them alive.

"You are lucky Alice, anybody else would be dead by now but I have a feeling about you."

_Oh please, don't let her say it... _Raven thought in a panic.

"Yes, you have a touch of destiny about _you_."

_Yep, she said it._

_Crap she said it_, Alice thought with a ping of fear.

Alex couldn't read minds, but the look on Raven's face was as clear as day. Alex recalled when Tia Dalma had recited that line to Will and smirked, her fangs poking out from under her lips.

Alice tried to swallow, her throat felt dry and itchy, " er, thanks…. I think"

"Kill the bitch!" The girl in the cage yelled as she rattled her bars. "Kill her!"

"You came here for a reason," Tia Dalma ignored the sue in the cage and walked over to a table, tossing something into a small bowl, something that looked like a small pinky finger. Whatever it was, it smelled like rotten. Tia Dalma talked as she crushed it up. "Then you are wanting my help? _Alice_," she smirked sarcastically "just raised the price. As you know, I give nothing for free."

This made Alex smile, finally someone she could relate to. She loved bargaining. How often had she been in Tia's position? Bargaining with young girl who wanted a love potion or wanted her to put a bad-luck hex on someone?  
_  
Crap,_ Alice thought crossing her arms. She didn't mean to loss her temper and she wasn't to sure it was a good thing that she wasn't hexed into a gooey puddle. People who Tai liked tended to end up worse for wear. She gulped remembering at what happen to Will Turner and Davie Jonas.

She shook her head, trying to clear her thoughts. Tai wanted something from them, well her from the sounds of it, and knowing Tia it wouldn't be money. Alice didn't have anything she wanted to give away, so her thoughts drifted to what she could do for the witch.

" I can make a very entertaining death from that Sue," Alice finally said pointing to the "_ beautiful caged bird"_ "Or, I can blow up something,"

"What is it you have in mind Alice?" Tia Dalma grinned, thinking that it would be interesting to see her work.

"And we'll throw in a vial of vampire venom," Alex grinned back, putting her hands on her belt and deepening her voice to a gruff. "It's highly corrosive not to mention poisonous and if someone were to drink it or inject it into their blood stream, they would either become a demonic force of the undead or melt into a puddle of goo via a horrible bloody death with lots of screaming. Either way you're guaranteed a good time, savvy?"

" We have a cannibal mermaid, we can chop off one limb at a time and make her watch as she eats it. Or we can get a barrel of flesh eating slugs and just let them loose in her cage. I can do a lot of stuff, it's all up to what you find most amusing." Alice said, happy that Tai didn't seem to be thinking of turning her into a rock crab.

"A cannibal Mermaid?" This appeared to catcher her interest. "That would be an interesting death for her that claims to be mine daughter," Tia glared at the Sue in the cage.

"But I AM your long lost daughter!" Honey wailed.

"If you were really her daughter I would eat my cat," Alice snorted as she walked closer to the cage. "Hey, witch lady, can I have the key?"

Tia Dalma walked over to the cage and unlocked it. Tassie growled and hid under a table.  
Alice cracked her knuckles as a wicked smirk crossed over her face.

"Why don't you come with my little miss Sue."  
Honey sniffed. "Oh the cruelty!"

Alex walked over. "Here, let me."

She stared into the eyes of the sue. Her brainless look was replaced with a glassy expression. Alex's voice was smooth and she grinned. Raven recognized it as her "I'm getting ready to kill you" smile.

"It's alright, sweetheart. Alice here has a lovely present to give you, but it's outside."

"Oooh, is it a unicorn?" Honey asked _"hope shining through the pain in her eyes, like sunshine in a storm."_

"Yes, he's a rainbow unicorn and his name is Mr Sprinkles and he's waiting outside for you."

"Oooh goody!" The sue clapped her hands.

"Oh and Alice is your long lost fairy godmother who rescued you from your cruel stepmother."

"Wait! I'm her WHAT!" Alice cried, looked at Alex in disbelief.

"Oh thank you fairy godmother!" the sue wrapped her arms around Alice and gave her a kiss on the cheek while Alex laughed.

"Get the fuck off me!" Alice hissed and tried to push Honey away, her sickening sweet sent was making her eyes water.

"I love you sooo much Fairy Godmother! We're going to be super-duper best friend forevaa lolz!11!"

Raven laughed.

"Wait, Alex did you hypnotize that sue?"

Alex shrugged. "Define hypnotize."

Raven glared. "Be careful Alex, mind-control powers can get you labeled a sue."

"I'm NOT your fairy ANYTHING!" Alice screamed and tried again to detach the Sue from her arm. "Now let go or you'll loss that arm!"

"I can't control people," Alex confessed. "It really only works on the stupid and the weak willed. Sues in particular are really suggestive besides their brainlessness, it's really only works best on sues because if their inconsistencies and flawed backgrounds they're high suggestible because they're always being "tweaked" by their authors. Everyone always has free will. For most people, all I can do is grab their attention, make them focus on me. I can't make people do stuff and it's harder if they're not alone. Someone else could snap them out of it and I can only hypnotize one person at a time. I have to focus so hard it makes me vulnerable to attack.'

"That makes sense," Raven relaxed. "So all you can do is make people focus on you, what good can that do?"

"I once made a fortune as a stripper that way."  
Raven shuddered.

" I will kill you empty headed twit! I will gut you like a fish and BURN you!" Alice still fighting with Honey who was now trying to kiss her.

"But being able to suggest things to sues...no wonder you wanted to be a vampire again." Raven glared at the sue who was hugging Alice frantically and saying "thank you" about a million times. The sue then started talking about the adventures they were going to have with "Mr Sprinkles".

Alex shrugged.

"That's IT!" Alice shrieked and pushed the Sue away, taking a pistol in both hands she shot the Sues left knee cap then the right. She screamed and pain and started saying something about 'how could you betray me!' as Alice took a knife from her boot, yanked back the Sues hair had in one swift movement chopped all of her 'silky golden hair' off. Mary Sue's screams of agony could be heard all the way to Tortuga. She tried to grasp at what was left of her hair but Alice, her face darken with a twisted smile, yanked her head back roughly and gave her a Cubin Necktie. With a grunt she kicked the Sue onto the ground where she twitched and made a horrible gurgling sound for a few minutes then lay still.

She breath was calm and even has she cleaned her knife of the sue blood. She cast a nasty look and Alex before turning to Tia Dalma with her old to-big-smile back "Well, it wasn't the death I promised but hell, I had fun," .

"Do you know how to break the vampire curse?" Raven asked, remembering why they were there. "Alex here broke into a cursed Egyptian tomb and stole some gold. Now she's cursed to walk the earth as a vampire."

Tia Dalma paused.

"So you wish for me to break this curse? I could do that, but if you wish to kill she who claims to be Queen of the Sues, you will need the vampire's power."

"Wait, what?"

"Celeste has grown in power since you last saw her, do not underestimate her. As mere humans it would be hard to stand against she and her horde. It is a pity Alice does not have her powers here, they would have come in to be useful. If you wish to find the Queen of the Sues I will need the second half of my payment," she handed a vial to Alex. Alex held it under one of her fangs and extracted the venom like a snake.

" God damnit," Alice mumbled to herself.

"So you get your little bagie of bones and tell us where Celeste is?" Raven asked.

"I can only point you the right way," Tia told them. "The tracking and killing you will have to do yourself."

"Trust me, we've got the killing thing covered."  
Tia sat down at her table and took out a map. Then she picked up an assortment of items Raven recognized from the second movie, rattled them like dice and threw them down on the map.

"A touch of destiny!"

She studied the map carefully.

"She is at a place called Hope Island, before you arrived the prisoner told me she sails a ship called The Pink Unicorn."

"You're kidding right? Hope Island? The Pink Unicorn?" Alice snorted in disgust and shock her head. " Do you think Mac will let us use nukes, just this once?"

"I wish he'd let us have rocket launchers at least, but we'll have to make do. Can you tell us where we can find Hope Island?" Alex asked.

"The prisoner claimed they would find a great treasure there."

"Look, knowing the sues it's something retarded like a necklace that gives you giant boobies," Alex commented. "And poor Jack will get dragged along for the ride."

"Or a hair clip that makes the wearer's hair never get dirty," Alice added.

"Oh god," The full implication of what Alex said sank in. "Jack's in trouble, we've got to save him from those big-titted harpies."

"Then why the hell are we standing around here? Let's bring tires and light fires!" Alice cheered as she made her way to leave. "Thanks for all the help witch lady, when we meet again, remember we're the good guys and NOT turn us into rock crabs,"

"To hope island!" Raven cried and they climbed aboard the boat that would lead then to their ship.

In movies someone always cries something dramatically and they cut straight to the action. Unfortunately for our heroes Raven's dramatic cry was followed up by a few weeks of anti-climatic sailing.

"There it is," Raven shuddered. The island "shone like a bacon of hope. The pure white sand glittering like diamonds the sea as blue as sapphores."

"Bacon of hope. Sapphores. Hahaha."

"Sweet, now let's blow the crap out of it!" Alice cheered holding up her Reaper.

"FINNALY!" The Shark Lady cried, "I've had nothing but fish for four weeks! I want some Sue meat!"


	9. Infaltration

A/n: Thanks for your patience to everyone who'd stuck by me. We have the rest of the story figured out and where it's going, but if you would like to suggest a sue it's not too late. Unfortunetly Apollo has suffered a severe personal tragedy, so the next chapter might not come out for a few weeks.

I have been asked to add the following disclaimer by the PPC, a totally awsome anti-sue group.

Disclaimer: Although SSU and the PPC are aware of each other, they are two separate anti-Sue entities.

The ship dropped its anchor and the three hunters lowered a row boat onto the 'sparkling clear blue water' and rowed to the shore, well Alice and Raven rowed while Alex stood on the front of the boat her sword pointing to the shore yelling at them to row faster.

"If you tell us to row faster one more time, your swimming to the damn shore!" hissed Alice.

"Yeah, just because the sunlight is making you feel like crabby, there's no reason to be a bitch," Raven grumbled. Thankfully they soon reached the "beautiful glittering shores that shone like the shiniest shine that ever did shine."

Raven picked up some of the _"white glittering sand"_ and let it run through her finger.

"Sand that glitters, I should have known. Looks like someone put Edward Cullen through a blender."

Alice smirked and kicked at the sand,

"Suddenly, I like this beach a lot more now."

Dexter meowed loudly as he hoped out of the boat, he hated being so close to water.

Alice eyes scanned over the beach, and what she saw made her smile grow bigger. Over to the fair right was there ship yard, there stood ships of all colors and sizes but all wear glittering and spotless.

"Hey, why don't I make a little distraction while you two sneak into the fort?" Alice said, not taking her eyes off a big pink ship.

"Sure thing," Alex grinned. "Just be careful."  
"Man we stink, we'll be lucky if they don't smell us coming a mile away," Raven commented. "Is there any chance we can pretend to be shipwrecked sues?"  
"Nah, sues smell nice no matter what."  
"Good point."

Alex and Raven headed towards the _"Ulta-shiny perfect wonderful sandstone castle"_ in the middle of the _"hot steamy jungle."_  
Raven nudged Alex and gestured towards to a pool. Raven bent down and inspected the rocks.  
"These rocks are soap-rocks."  
"What the hell?" Alex muttered through the scarf covering her face.  
"It's rocks that, when ground up, act like soap. It's how Mary sues can take a bath in the middle of the wilderness and still look "superhawt." This whole island is one big sue."  
Alex touched the water.  
"Of course it's lukwarm, we wouldn't want to get cold now would we? I wish there was a way we could get clean, we've got two months worth of crap on us."  
"Normally I'd say that's a good idea, but we should probably be in the fortress when Alice does whatever she has planned. Stopping to take a bath in the middle of enemy territory is exactly the kind of thing a sue would do. I'm talking as an ex-sue here. And there's no way we're going to be able to convince them we're sues, maybe we should say we're original characters looking to join them."  
"That'll work. We'll only have one shot at this, Celeste probably thinks we died when Hogwarts collapsed," Alex mused. "I'll get us into the fort, just let me do the talking."

The giant castle door was guarded by two sues.  
"Halt! Who goes there?"  
Rather than posting two warrior sues at the door, Celeste had chosen two _"Clutsy-cute girls."_ They reminded Alex of the two idiots she had distracted while Alice blew up Port Royal. One had freckles and _"hair like summer wheat."_ The other had eyes of _"purest emerald"_ and _"honey coloured tresses"._

They both wore very skimpy armour that looked like feminised versions of the costumes the soldiers wore in the movie "Troy". If the soldiers had been hookers.

The one with hair like wheat levelled a spear at her.  
"You're not one of us! State your business!"  
"I am Jessica Todd," Alex told them. "And this is my sister Vicky. I have been abandoned by my author and I want to become a super-hot goddess like yourself."  
The sue lowered the spear. "Lyke of course you would," she flicked her hair eyeing Raven's muscular stocky frame, masculine square jaw and wild frizzy hair.

"Yeah, I ain't exactly sleeping beauty here," Raven replied.  
"Well my name is Eliza Pemberly, and this is Sweetie Love-Crystal."  
"Omg, you wez like, abandoned by urs author?/ that is lyke sooo sad!" Sweetie cried "in a voice as pure and sad as the cry of a baby dove."  
"Yes," Raven added seriously, trying not beat the stupid girl to death. "She stopped writing about us and now we are alone."  
"Omg, no offence but you guys needz a bath!"  
"That is why we would really like to be like you," Alex told them with a sweat smile. "Our author made us stink because she didn't want us to be too perfect, but I figure, as long as she had abandoned us, why not be perfect? I'm, lyke tired of smelling and getting pimples and being all gross and stuff." Alex pretended to cry for dramatic effect.  
"Omg, lyke that make total sense." Sweetie nodded. "Should we take them to Celeste?"  
"No!' Eliza yelled. "She doesn't want any more girls."  
"But they're all alone, we can't abandon them!" Sweetie insisted.  
"Fine, we'll sneak them in, they can have a bath and we'll see what we can do. They might be able to help us on the treasure hunt." Eliza insisted.  
"Okie dokie!" Sweetie clapped her hands. "Just stayz awayz from Will, he's mine!"  
"No problem, I'm more of a Jack gal myself," Alex nodded.

Alice smirked as she climbed aboard Celeste's ship The Unicorn, the place was covered in modern technology and Alice knew just how to wire them to make for a very pretty explosion. Using her knife she pride the back of a flat screen TV and started to cross a few wires.

"Stupid spoiled brats," Alice mumbled as she worked. "I'd like to see those skanks go just two days in the hell on earth we've been sailing on for months on end."

"Fuck!" Alice screamed as a jolt of electricity shot throw her. She yanked her hand away and sucked on the burnt flesh.

After a long soak in a solid-gold bath, Raven and Alex were finally clean.  
"That," Raven announced. "Is the best thing I've done in a while."  
"If only there was a hot guy here to rub our feet."  
Raven pointed to a large purple button on the side of the tub.  
Alex looked at it.  
"What the hell? Why does that one have a picture of a shirtless guy on it?"  
"Oh that's a button you press if you want a hot guy to "accidently walk in on you"."Raven made quotation marks in the air with her fingers. "They had them at Hogwarts,"  
"That's sick," Alex replied.  
"Says the ex-stripper. Do you want the towel with the daisies or the one with the love hearts?"  
"You take the daisies." If only for the amusing sight of Raven in a flower towel. Skulls were really more her style.

"OMG I got you guyz some toallzy cute outfits!" Sweetie announced squealing once the girls were dry. Both girls had gone to schools with communal showers, so getting dressed in front of each other wasn't really a big deal by comparison.  
Raven picked up a dress that _"shimmered a glittering white like the hide of a unicorn"_.  
"But, are you sure we'll be able to move in these?"  
"But why would you want to move in them silly?"  
"What if I trip? Or I need to fight?"  
"Celeste that's what men are for," Sweetie said. "To catch you if you trip and fight for you."  
"But what if there's no man around?" Raven replied. She didn't know if that sentence was more insulting to men or women.  
Sweetie thought for a moment.  
"I don't know, I never thought of that. Wait right here, I'll see what I can find!"

"She's nice," Raven remarked to Alex once Sweetie had left.  
"Raven, you know what we're here to do," Alex reminded her.  
"Yes, and you enjoy it far too much, but maybe we could take her with us."  
"That would be even worse, you know how cruel they can be at HQ."  
"I'm back!"  
Sweetie walked back into the room all covered in scratches and bites.

"I washed your puppy but he wasn't very happy about it," Sweetie replied sadly.  
She looked at Tassie. His fur had been curled and he was wearing a bright pink collar with love hearts on it. He smelled like _"the cutest puppy in the whole wide world".  
_"Thanks Sweetie. By the way, he's a wolverine."_ Raven told her.  
_Sweetie looked confused.

"But he doesn't look like Hugh Jackman."  
Alex did a face palm.  
"What's the matter with her?" Sweetie asked.  
"She has a headache," Raven replied.  
"Yeah, a really annoying one," Alex retorted.

"I know what will make you feel better, I got you some clothes, I wrote them myself!" She gave Alex a bundle.  
When Alex looked at the clothes she saw she had a _"tight white shirt with short puffy sleeves and was low cut and torn in all the right places" _and _"A black silky velvet vest that made you look at smart and stuff" _and_ "tight black pants that moved as easily as the wind and made your arse look totally juicy and smackable."_

"Oh I'm so jealous," Raven laughed so hard she couldn't breathe. "You get the pants that make guys want to grab your arse."  
"Yeah, like I didn't get enough of that as a dancer," Alex replied.  
"Omg, you were a dancer abused by the people you worked for? You poor thing!" Sweetie exclaimed.

"It's fine," Alex shrugged. It couldn't hurt to play along, a sad back-story would help them blend in.

"I thought this would look totally cute with that lovely dark hair of yours. I totally luved that red headband you had..."  
"Bandana," Alex corrected her.  
"Yeah, bandana. It was so cute I thought you could keep wearing it, I just gave it a wash."" Sweetie gave her the bandanna back which now "carried the scent of long-lost travels."

"Tada!" Sweetie presented Alex's boots. They were black like her pants and they were the stupid high-heeled kind that girls usually wore in action movies, the type that pinched your toes and were impossible to move in.

"And for Raven I got you these!" Sweetie presented a _"white billowy shirt heroically worn, desperate to hide her generous bosom with bell sleeves to hide her flabby arms,"_ and _"large brown arse-hiding trousers." _Thankfully Raven's boots were more masculine looking and practical.  
"These pants will totally make your butt look smaller. I got you the less pretty ones because you said you wanted something you could fight in. So what's your story Vicky?"

She tried to remember the back-stories they'd been given at head-quarters but that had been months ago.

"My captain threw me off her boat because I refused to kill people," Raven told a twisted version of the truth, how Celeste had turned her back on her once she realised she wasn't a sue anymore.

"Omg, tragic! Anywayz I'll leave yuz to get dressed."

Alex smirked.

"Check out the underwear! A bra that would "make any man want to..."

"Want to what?' Raven asked, looking over her shoulder."Oh god the rest of that sentence is so dirty I can't repeat it. I feel dirty just reading it. Geez Luise, she looks all sunshine and innocence but who knew little Sweetie Sunshine could write something that dirty?"

Alex shrugged.

"I've done worse. When I hooked up with Agent Pitrofki…"

"Ew! Alex!" Raven clapped her hands over her ears and started humming. Alex kept talking.

"…then he got the candle and he…." Raven heard when she dared to uncover her ears.

"Oh god, are you quite done? Finished with Alex's Sexy Story time?"

Alex laughed.

"Watch it, little miss giggles, or I'll tell Kay about the arse-smacking pants," Raven warned.

"You wouldn't dare…" Alex glared.

"He probably wouldn't say no to some candle action of his own." She grinned.

"Raven!"

"I do feel back about Alice though," Raven changed the topic. "For all we know she could have been captured or hurt or something and we were having a bath."

"Get real, Raven. It's the only way we could fit on. It's not our fault getting in turned out to be easier than we thought."

There was a loud thumping noise coming from the AC ducked that was over by the left wall, there was another thump and cover fell off and the small hunter fell out of it and onto a rack of different shampoos. Dexter was followed her and landed right on her head and simply walked away. When he saw Tassie He howled with laughter, at lest that was Alex and Raven thought it would sound like if a cat was hysterically laughing.

"Ow..." was all that Alice managed to mumble. Her duster was ripped, her lip was busted and it looked like she was getting a new shiner. It looked like she got into a nasty fight with someone or something. They didn't hear any big explosions, not even a bang.

"Holy shit Alice, are you alright?" Alex asked "smelling like an exotic flower of beauty,"  
"There's a nice sue girl here who's been helping us," Raven explained quickly "her brown arse-hiding pants covering her giant butt". "We'll see if she wants to come back with us. If you want pants that "make your butt totally smackable" like Alex's I'm sure she'll get you some."

Alice looked between the two hunters, her mind trying to catch up to what her eyes where seeing. She licked her bloody lips then pushed herself up to her feet.

" I would rather walk around ass naked then look as stupid as you two thanks," Alice said calmly. She pulled up her sleave and looked at her wrist, "Oh right, no watches. You might want to take cover"

Alex and Raven stepped back.  
"Just curious Alice," Raven asked. "What did you do?"

Alice shrugged, "nothing much, it was their own fault that they had a gas oven and some TV's lying around"

Alice was starting to remind Alex of a girl from her old high-school who got suspended for blowing up tree-stumps on school grounds.

Suddenly there was what would could be descried as a loud roar like sound and the building gave a violent jerk, pictures of ceiling fell to the ground and shelves of perfume and other bathroom things toppled to the ground. All three hunters where knocked on their asses, seconds later there was another explosion followed by three more. The whole building was in an up roar as sirens walled, sues screamed, and their fluffy animals ran around in a panic.

"We told them we were original character who wanted to join them, lucky Celeste doesn't know we're here," Raven explained quickly before Sweetie burst into the room.  
"Jessica! Vicky! We need to go! There's been an explosion at the ship-yard!"  
"I bet Celeste won't be happy about that," Alex said quietly.  
"Everyone's really mad at Celeste, she's still insisting we go look for the treasure."

"Just what IS the treasure?" Alice asked, calling the sues attention to her.

"We're looking for the six treasure of the ancient gods. Celeste already has the pendent of Bast, Cat-Goddess and protector of the Sun God, the girls are fighting over who gets to keep it. She keeps the arm-bands of the lioness goddess of war. Now we're looking for Aphrodite's girdle," Sweetie told them. "Celeste says it makes the wearer irresistible. She says she's Aphrodite's daughter and doesn't need it but whoever finds it first can have it. She plans on using the treasures to lure Jack and the Black Pearl to the island."

Alice frowned deeply, "Girdle? I don't think they had those in Ancient Greeks sweet chucks,"

Raven started laughing.

"Magic grandma undies! Oh my god…"

Sweetie frowned.

"Celeste says in those days girdle was another word for belt…"

Just then another sue burst in.  
"BLACK PEARL AHOY!"  
The panicked screaming from the explosion was nothing compared to the squeals of joy that now followed.  
"Celeste wanted to introduce herself as Captain of the Unicorn. She's going to be so mad!" Sweetie cowered.  
"ALL SUES ON DECK!" Alex heard a scream. "BLACK PEARL SIGHTED, ALL SUES ON DECK!"

To their surprise Alice started to laugh, griping her sides she had to lean on the stone wall to hold her self up. "There is no deck anymore!" Alice gasp between giggle fits, " All of the ships are blown to hell!"

"Quick, we have to run!" Sweetie pulled on Alex's arm. "I hope we don't run into Maybell, she's been so mean since she got Mercury's shoes and now she can run super-fast."

"Andy has WHAT!" Alice cried as she took Sweetie by the shoulders and started to shake her.

"That little copycat!" Thankfully Sues weren't that smart because if Alice didn't do it before she defiantly blew there cover wide open now.

"She has the shoes of Mercury. She got really mad at me when I laughed at her for running into the wall. She's one of Celeste's top people now, she's been thinking of making her second in command. I'd rather leave than work for Maybell. She's not very nice. I think we should go outside with the others, just keep your heads down. Celeste didn't want any more girls joining us."

Alex couldn't tell if Alice was about to cry or snap and start going on a blood bath killing spree, maybe both. Either way she looked like her head was about to explode and it didn't look like she had any interest in following them out side.

"I don't like Celeste either," Sweetie continued to babble, "She's mean too. A lot of the girls in here are mean. I just want Will."  
"What is it that you like about him?" Raven asked.  
"He's heroic and he's nice," she replied shyly. "I want a guy who'll be there for me and be nice to me."  
"You know, there are plenty of guys like that who aren't Will, there are plenty of guys that you'll have no competition for," Raven told her.  
"Like who? I mean, I'm not as special as some of the other girls here, why would anyone like me?"  
"Like, the guy with the wooden eye," Raven searched for his name.  
"Ragetti," Alex corrected her.  
"Yeah him, none of the other girls are going for him and he's not bad."  
"I suppose," Sweetie seemed to consider it. "What I really want is someone who'll like me for who I am."  
"You don't need to be a sue to be special," Raven told her. "Is that why you become a sue? Because you didn't think you were good enough?"  
"I was never pretty or smart," Sweetie sulked. "The other girls at school used to pick on me and I thought if I was really special they'd leave me alone and someone would like me."  
"You don't have to be super-perfect for people to like you," Raven told her.  
"But you said you wanted to join us, that's why you're here."  
"I'm afraid we haven't been honest with you," Raven told her. "The thing is, too many sues in one place and the universe explodes. The law of reality states that there must be a balance between good and evil, perfection and flawed. Sues get rid of all their flaws and upset the balance. They all want to be special so bad they change reality to do, make themselves Jack's daughter or Will's sister. They want to so bad they re-write reality and the whole universe ends up like a blanket full of holes, too fragile to last."  
"So why are you here?" Sweetie asked. "Are you going to try and convince everyone to change back into normal people?"  
"Something like that," Alex replied playing with her sword. Thankfully Sweetie had allowed them to keep their weapons when they entered.  
"I used to be a sue," Raven confessed.  
"Really?" Sweetie asked. "How do I know you're lying?"  
"My name was Persephone Raven Riddle, I was at Hogwarts. My real name's Helen but I go by Raven. Though I'm not a sue anyone I want to remind myself of what I used to be and why I don't want to be that person anyone."

"How did you change?" Sweetie asked.

"I ran into Alex and she changed me. I realised it was stupid to define myself by a guy and that perfection isn't all its cracked up to be. A relationship based on mutual trust and acceptation of each others flaws is more meaningful than two people who only find each other attractive. These girls go on about how much they "love" Will and Jack but the reality is they find them attractive and build up an idea in their head of what they're like. That's why they make them go out of character, it's not the real Will or Jack they like, just a "perfect" guy who looks like them."

"You're right," Sweetie said sadly. "I think I'd be okay with looking ordinary if I was with a guy who was alright with that. I mean, I'd miss being pretty but I'd rather have true love. It sounds wonderful the way you put it."

"So what's your real name?" Raven asked her.

"Beth," she replied. "Oh I don't feel well, what's happening to me Raven?" she clutched her stomach, then leaned over and threw up.

" Hey, that was kinda cool. Do it again," Alice said, poking Beth in the stomach.

,When Beth stood up, her "honey coloured locks that fell down her shoulders in gentle waves" had changed to shoulder-length dark blonde, her "dazzling emerald eyes" changed to hazel.

Suddenly they where a high pitch scream of range from a voice that was " So beautiful it made every one cry tears of joy". Which gives you a killer migraine when it echoes down the walls like that.

Alice shook her head and dug her finger into her ear. " I think Queen bitch tits found her ship, or more precisely what's left of it,"

"So what do we do now?" Beth asked.  
"We go save Jack," Alex grinned.

" And Will, Noringtin, Davie Jones, and Barbosa. Even though they all hate one another and most likely break out into a epic fight if they where in sword reach of each other we all know that they just happen to team up for some kind of adventure so that the Sues could get all of them in one go," Alice sighed as she shock her head.

"I wonder if Elizabeth will be here, she helped us last time," Raven wondered.

"Doubt it," Alice shrugged. "Sues don't like competition remember?"

"That's true," Raven replied before kicking a "totally awesome pink puppy"

Dexter hissed and pounced on the puppy, bitting down on its "cute floppy ears"

Alice, "What's the plan?" Alice asked turning to Alex. " I got rid of the ships so they cant get away, now what?"

"We'll blend in, once the Black Pearl shows up they'll try and look for the hidden treasure. I say we try and get to it first and kill anyone who gets in our way,"  
"I suggest you keep your head down," Raven told Beth. "If you get between Jack and the sues they'll trample you."

Alice smirked and looked around them. "I think we should head for cover," Her grin grew wider as she hoped up on a box.

"OMG! KAT TOOK JACK AND WILL TO THE BESTMENT!"

"You're scary," Alex shook her head.  
"Says the one with the "totally smakable" arse pants," Raven smirked.  
Then the air was pierced with the unholy sound of sueish "squees" and they all rushed towards the basement.  
"Now how do we get out of here?" Raven asked Beth.  
"Follow me."  
Beth showed them the way out, the whole building was a horrible mixture of Ancient Egyptian and Greek architecture.  
"There they are," she pointed. The Black Pearl was just offshore, having mysteriously sprung a leak. Alex suspected the sues were involved.

Alice smiled as she looked at the gorgeous ship. " Do you think they'll let me kidnap Jack the monkey?"

"He's probably hiding somewhere," Beth told her. "A lot of the other brought girl monkeys."

"Aw, poor Jack!" Alice sniffed, showing more worry for the monkey then she ever did for the human Jack.

"I say we try and sneak onto the pearl," Alex suggested. "Jack might need our help."  
"Are you kidding me? I wouldn't blame if he's shooting everything female that comes near him," Raven shrugged.

" Well I don't know about you guys," Alice cast a nasty frown at they're sueish clothes, "But I can pull off being a guy."

She tied back her hair and smeared more dirt on her face, her loss clothes hiding her chest and what curves she had. She smiled at the other two, at first glance she could have been a young boy.

"At lest it will stop him long enough so we can say you come in peace. For them anyway,'"

Alex looked at Raven's "arse-hiding pants" and laughed.  
"I look normal right?" Beth asked nervously.  
"You look fine, very human," Raven assured her. Beth now had simples sprouting up on her forehead. "But once the fighting starts you should find somewhere and hide. I mean it, no heroics."

"Unless you see one of us is about to get killed, then for the love of god do something. Don't just sit there in the corner and wait me get my head hacked off," Alice said.

Alice cast a look at the Pearl, then looked back at the other hunters. "I'll go on bored, calm them down a bit. Then I'll single you when its safe, sound good?"

Raven nodded.  
"Sure."

"Alex?"

Alex nodded to.  
"Sounds like a plan."

"right, see you in five."

With that Alice trotted out onto the beach and hijacked a rowboat and made her way to the Pearl.


	10. Old flames never die

"Do you think she'll be fine?" Raven asked Alex.

"Trust me, she'll be ok. Mac said he hasn't seen anything this promising in a long time."

It was then that Raven noticed something.

"Hey Alex, is it just me or has the sky gone aqua?"

Alex looked up. "Oh shit, that isn't good."

"You think it's a "Mary Sue Island" thing?" Raven asked.

"No, I think it's more of a "there are way too many sues here and reality is unraveling" thing," Alex replied. "Just like at Hogwarts. Nothing else is weird though apart from the island, so we probably have plenty of time. It's when the Pearl turns into a swan-shaped pedal boat that we have to start worrying."

"It's official. Celeste is deadly to any universe she goes near. The sooner we kill her, the better."

OoOoOoOoO

Meanwhile Dexter gave an uneasy meow as he looked up at the aqua sky.

"Calm down Dex, we'll be outta here soon enough," Alice muttered as she looked up at the sky too. She started paddling faster, pulling up to the side of the dark ship.

" Um, aho! anyone up there?" Alice cried, hoping they weren't so freaked out that they would shot on sight.

"I'm tellin ya captain, these things are unnatural!" She recognised Gibb's voice.

"So ye sayin they're a crew of beautiful women who steal men's souls?" The secant voice was obviously Jack.

"Aye Captain."

"And how is this a bad thing savy?"

"Oi! Gibb's!" Alice shouted, louder this time. After hearing what Gidds said Alide got a idea, she only hoped he recognized her from the Prancing Pony insecticide. " Yah big drunk look down here!"

"See! I told ya captain, there's one ov ém."

Jack eyed Alice suspiciously, obviously trying to decide if she was a girl or a boy.

" This is the thanks I get for savin' yah sorry ass from that harpy in the Prancin' Pony Gibbs! I said let me on or the demons WILL get yah, um savy!"

"Let her on," Jack ordered. "Demons, aye?"

Alice sighed in relief and climbed up the rope latter, Dexter on her shoulder.

"Gibbs informs me that this island is inhabited by something unnatural."

"We, that is to say I was hopin' yah could tell us a little more lass," Gibbs finished.

Alice paused for a second, she didn't remember if they where aloud to tell the canon characters the truth or not. But she decided that they had been lied to enough by the Mary Sues.

" There evil, soulless things called Mary Sues. They come from another universe and change reality to fit the story they want," Alice said, hoping they believed her. " Think about it, would you, Will, Noringtin, Barbarossa, AND Davie Jones team up to find some magic Island with treasure on it? You guys HATE each other!" She cried waving her arms around. " And look at the sky, see the color it aint right! If they keep bending realty then this whole world will implode on itself!"

The pirates looked a little confused.

"So yer sayin that the world will cease to be?" Barbarossa quistioned rasing a dirty eye brow.

"The real question is what can we do about it?" Jack asked.

"First off, don't shoot me or my friends. Secondly, stay as far away from this Island as humanly possible. I know you won't mean to but those bitches will cast spells on you and make you attack us," Alice said.

"What do you think Captain? The lass is right, we should set sail and get as far away from this island as possible." Gibb's muttered as he crossed himself.

"Aye, this place is unnatural," Will agreed.

" All right then, lets abided by the oldest Pirate law and get the hell outta here," Jack said and started barking orders.

Alice smiled, "good," she said as she turned to the others. " And I want the rest of you to either get the hell back to the underworld or get on your own ship. " she cast a look at Barbarossa and smiled, she always had a bit of a crush on the old pirate. "Or go back to trying to steal this ship."

Meanwhile Dexter was having the time of his life terrorizing Jack the monkey. Feeling proud of herself Alice picked Dexter up and got back into her little row boat with and rowed back to sure as the Black Purl sailed away.

OoOoOoOoO

Back on the beach the older Sue hunters where still deep in their own problem.

"Where do you think they're holding Toby?" Raven asked. "If he's still alive. The dungeon maybe?"

Alex nodded. "I doubt he'll be hard to get to, he's not exactly a priority. The cells will probably be half pin barrel hinges."

That's when an army of Sues swooped down. It took then a while but they finally got out of the basement.

Celeste was in front, her "_delicious golden curls tumbled free with the beauty of an untamed mare_", the "_rosy cream sunset made her glow like a beautiful sun goddess_."

"I am Celestine Love-Beauty," she purred, rehearsing her line for Jack. " I welcome you to..."

"Wait, why is he sailing away?" another Sue wailed. Then all the Sues started to scream like a horrible horde of harpies and someone had murdered their first-born children.

"Their leaving!" Cried a pink haired Sue in anguish.

"The dolphins!" One of them screamed. "Call our magical dolphin friends, they can bring him back!"

"I am goddess of the sea!" Celeste cried. "Come to me dolphins and do my bidding!"

"The daughter of Aphrodite, Neptune, and Bast," Beth muttered. "Now she really is taking it too far."

A band of friendly dolphin leapt joyfully through the waves. Oh how they loved to hear their queen's voice!

Shark Lady spotted the dolphins and grinned. "Lunch time!"

OoOoOoOoO

" Man the harpoons!" Cried Alice as she saw the sue dolphins, then she looked around her boat and found the only thing here was a 'gift' made by Dexter. " Oh damn,"

OoOoOoOoO

The Shark Lady let out a horrible shriek like sound that called every shark in the area to the island. She couldn't control them, but the sound was like a lunch bell to any hungry shark in 3 leagues of her.

Soon the sparkling blue water turned a bloody red and was filled with dismembered dolphin parts. While normal dolphins could fight off sharks these ones where far to stupid to defend themselves.

"OMG BETH? WHAT TOTALLY HAPPNED TO URZ FACE!" a sue screamed.

"OMG, MABE IT"S AN UGLY VIRUS!" Yelled a princess sue with golden locks

"EWWW, I DON"T WANT TO BE UGLY!"

"ARE WE GOING TO DIE?" cried Bella Swan.

"SHUT UP!" Celeste yelled and the sues were all silent. "You are not going to die! Beth isn't one of us anymore. And who are you friends, Beth?"

Raven tried ducking her head but it's hard to look small when you're close to five foot ten.

"You! The Traitor!" Celeste hissed "_her voice filled with the wrath of a vengeful goddess_". "And I see they made you one of them! One of the unholy maggots of death!"

"What, a Twihard?" Alex smirked.

The anti-twilight joke was lost on the less intelligent sues, though a few of the more intelligent ones looked insulted.

"Edward Cullen is a real man!" One of the sues tossed her hair.

'Oh my god, I can't believe we're having this argument,' Raven thought. 'Who would do that at a time like this?'

Raven snorted. "You mean someone who watches you sleep and takes the engine out of your car to stop you from seeing your friends? Yeah I can see why you'd find that attractive."

"Totally," one of smaller sues nodded, the sarcasm having flown way over her head.

"Edward's not a real vampire," Alex said scornfully. "He sparkles for fuck's sake."

"Stephanie Myer was being original! She is a goddess!"

"Oh please Edward's not that great. He's a stalker, he's weird and he smells funny."

The sues continued to stare blankly.

"And Ugly. He's also ugly."

"SHE INSULTED EDWARD!" one of them screeched pointing at Alex. "KILL HER! KILL THE UNBELIEVER!"

"Let's feed her to the crocodiles!"

"Wait, not the ugly animals! Lets feed them to the butterflies of doom!"

At this moment Raven did a massive face palm.

By now the Black Pearl was sailing off into the distance, all the dolphins where dead, and Alice and Dexter finally made it onto the shore with little to no blood stains.

" So this is the famous Celeste," Alice said like she was unimpressed. " I was picturing someone with a small noise and better hair,"

The sues had been getting ready to hoist Alex and Raven up on their shoulders to feed to the butterflies of doom when they stopped to face Alice.

Raven groaned when she realized the inevitable.

"Omg, she looks just like Alice Cullen!" A sue with "_hair like the midnight sun_". Alex flinched at what had to be the world's worst typo.

"How cute!" Squeed a sue with "_eyes that shone like diamonds_." "She's so tiny!"

Dexter let out a meow of panic and booked it into the jungle, knowing what was going to happen.

Alice's face darken, the only thing that seen to move was her trigger finger. " I'm sorry, I think this disgusting sue air is getting to me," her voice was clam but sounded strand, like she was on the verg of going on a bloody killing spree. Witch in all likely hood she probably was ." Because I'm sure you didn't say what I think you just said."

"Of course I said that, silly! Are you hard of hearing? My name is Jacinta Bellsong," the sue with the "_midnight sun_" hair giggled. She was about four foot nine with pointy ears. "I'm princess of the fairies, are you a fairy?"

In a flash Alice took a knife from her boot and throw it at Jacinta, hitting her right in the neck. Giving her time to feel the pain of her death before she bleed out onto the sand.

" That's what I thought you said," Alice said in a deadly voice. She pulled out two more knifes and held them out from her body, she smiled at the sues, her head tilted slightly to the right. The other hunters where reminded of something out of Children of the Corn.

"Who wants to play with me next?" Alice said in a mocking cheery voice that sent a chill throw the air. "Ah, you," she pointed to a horrified looking sue with fire red hair and bright yellow eyes. " I want to play with you,"

The sue took a step back but that's as fair as she got as Alice yanked her closer by her hair and shoved the toothed blade into her left eye and twisted it for good measure. The girl screamed in agony before slumping onto the ground with a soft plop. Alice ripped the knife out of the sue and shoved it into the chest cavity of a fleeing elf girl that got just a little too close.

Soon there where about 12 bodies lying around Alice who was now covered in both red blood and the odd sparkly pink goo. She was breathing hard as she brushed her hair out of her face and looked around her, both knifes still in her hand.

"Who wants to be next?" she asked, the false cheer still in her voice.

The sun had finished setting and now the "_stars shone in the dark inky sky like diamonds on a beautiful blanket_."

"Yes!" Alex twisted free, breaking the arm of the sue that held her. It was easier to fight now she didn't feel hung over. She drew her sword and impaled another sue who "_bled dramatically like a dying princess_."

The sues started screaming louder than before.

"We have the power of the gods!" Celeste cried. "We shall fight against this unjustice."

"Is that even a word?" Raven asked in a bored tone. "FYI you just pissed off a vampire and a trigger happy mutant, I'd run if I were you."

"Ah," Alex sighed as she slashed at another sue. "This reminds me of the time Deadpool helped us against those sues in the marvel universe. Now that was fun."

"We had to pay him a shit load of cash though," Raven grimaced. "Though watching him blow up the Queen sue was a sight I'll never forget."

Alice made an annoyed face as she slit the neck of a silvery haired sure. "You meat Deadpool? That's so not fair, I lived there and never got to meet him!"

"We kinda ran into him," Raven explained. "Apparently some of the sues forgot he's kinda mutated under that mask. Once we saved him from the sues he was only too happy to help kill them. Though he kept going on about the yellow dialogue boxes and claimed he could hear the voice of the narrator."

Alice giggled, yes giggled like a little school girl as she cut off a fleeing sue's head. " Him and is fourth wall breaking," She saw the other sue hunters look at her oddly and she blushed little. " I don't have a crush on him! shut up!"

"Oh he would have _loved_ you," Raven muttered. "I can see it now, Alice and Deadpool get married and have dangerous angry children."

Lucky for Raven, Alice didn't hear her.

It appeared very few of the sues were actually warriors since most of them fled screaming. However, Celeste and her loyal generals stood firm.

"Maybell!" Celeste screamed pointing at Alice. "Finish her!"

"With pleasure my queen!" Maybell cried as she step towards Alice.

Alice shot her a look of disgust and stood her ground, still holding her blood socked knifes.

" You know how this is going to end Andy, why bother?" Her voice was even again, almost emotionless.

OoOoOoOoO

Alex shot Raven a look. One advantage of having so much spare time on the journey was that it gave them plenty of time to go over their plan. Alex would keep Celeste busy while Raven searched for Toby.

"And you-" Celeste pointed dramatically at Alex "_like a hand of fate_". "You've meddled in my plans for the last time! I am the daughter of Bast, cat goddess!"

For the first time Alex noticed that Celeste was wearing a golden pendent that looked like a cat.

Alex bared her fangs. "Bring it, Bitch."

OoOoOoOoO

Meanwhile, Alice was having her on trouble as Andy got a hold of Mercury shoes that made her as fast as Alice if she had her powers.

" I'm final faster than you Alice! In fact I'm even faster!" Maybell/Andy boasted, she then disappeared and reappeared behind Alice and pushed her over. "Why don't you just give up?"

" At the risk of sounding like a cliché hero," Alice said as she picked herself up, "never!"

Alice lunged at Andy and found herself on the sandy ground again with Maybell/Andy standing over her. With a gleeful laugh that "_sounded like a babbling brook_" Maybe/Andy kicked Alice in the gut.

OoOoOoOoO

Tassie started to growl and spin like the Tassie Devil from Luney Tunes, blood splashed everywhere as sues went down.

Celeste drew a "_glittering golden sword that shone like the sun_" and smiled.

"I am a warrior of the gods and who are you? Nobody."

Alex bared her fangs. If this twisted bitch wanted to be dramatic, then fine.

"I am a vampire assassin. I deal with demons and kills people for a living. I once fought Jason Vorhees bitch and if you think you can do better then bring it on."

OoOoOoOoO

Alice rolled to avoid another kick and picked herself up, her chest burned and she was sure she broke a rib this time.

" Come on Andy, aren't you the one that always whined that I wasn't fighting fair?" Alice said between gasping of air.

OoOoOoOoO

Celeste smiled and suddenly her sword had become a "_flaming sword of an avenging angel_"

She swung it at Alex, who jumped out of the way. Alex had hoped that Celeste's sword would get stuck in the tree Alex had been standing near, but instead "_went right through like a hot knife through butter_".

Damn.

Drawing her sword, she attacked Celeste and the two woman started to fight.

OoOoOoOoO

Meanwhile, Raven and Beth had made their way back to sue fortress.

"They keep the prisoners in here," Beth led her into the dungeons. The walls were golden sandstone and was very much like a cheap set from "The Scorpion King."

"Toby? Toby are you here?" Raven called. "It's Raven. Alex is just outside."

Raven hadn't really known Toby all that well and didn't think he would recognize her.

"He's here," A woman called out. She _"looked just like Jack's female clone_" right down to the outfit and the dreadlocks.

Raven drew closer and saw the blonde teenager lying on a stretcher.

"He ain't well, savvy?" The woman muttered "savvy" five more times for good measure.

"What's your name?" Raven asked.

"Jackline Sparrow, I'm Jack's sister."

She didn't look like a sue, but Raven pulled out her scanner for good measure. The scanner identified her as a "femJack clique" but Raven shrugged. Cliques were annoying but not her problem.

"We have to get him out of here, Alex is fighting Celeste and we need to get him out while she's distracted. Alice is having a hell of a time keeping Maybell busy."

"Alex is in trouble?" Asked an all too familiar voice from another cell. When Raven looked closer she saw a _"handsome young prince with eyes as blue as the Caribbean."_

"Deamus?" Raven hissed. Of all the people to run into. "You're alive? We thought you were killed when in the dimension collapse."

"Alex was worried about me?" Deamus's eyes "_sparkled with hope_."

"Yeah she was plenty worried."

"I must save her!" he cried dramatically. "Celeste has the power of the gods, Alex can't hope to win!"

"Don't worry, she's a vampire now. I think they're pretty evenly matched."

"She's a vampire? How?"

Raven sighed. "It's a long story, she stole some cursed gold and now she's undead. Kinda. Alex isn't the one we need to worry about, Maybell's causing all kinds of hell out there."

"Let us out!" Jackie cried. "I know where they keep their treasures!"

OoOoOoOoO

Back at the beach Alice and Maybell had fought there way to the ruins of a old church much like the one out of "Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest" when Jack, Will, and Norington were fighting over the chest key. Alice was doing her best to stay on the stares, she found that even with her speed Maybell/Andy didn't do too well in closed spaces.

Maybell had a long thin silver sword with a jeweled hilt, glittering with rubies and sapphires, though luckily for Alice unlike Celeste's sword did not flame but only shown with a "_holy light of the gods_". Alice still had her twin blades, much preferring for close combat because her left side still burned from the broken rib and reaching out to far caused her pain.

Maybell lunged forward with her super speed and got Alice in the shoulder. Alice gagged in agony and bared her blood stained teeth at Maybell in pain and rage.

" Just join us Alice, it's so much fun being a sue! You get all the boys, power, and looks you want. I'm in good with Celeste too, I can put in a good word if you want," Maybell/Andy said with a smug smile.

Alice griped the sword so she couldn't pull away and lunged forwarded, causing the sword to push deeper into her shoulder, and slicing Maybells/Andys face with her knife. "Screw you!"

Maybell screams so loud the birds near by flew away in a panic. "MY FACE! MY GORGIS FACE!" She let go of the sword and covered her blood face.

With a grunt Alice pulled the sword out of her shoulder and punched her in the face with her good arm, causing her to fall all the way down the old stairs.

Huffing in pain she slowly made her way down the stars and stood over her beaten sister. Alice raced her knife over her head, her eyes cold and hateful.

"Please, please don't kill me Alice," Mayball/Andy sobbed.

" Why should I spar you?" Alice hissed. " Give me one good reason!"

" D-don you remember what you said when we wear little. There where kids out side of our commune that teased us because of how we dressed," Andy said, her tears mixing with her blood. " You beat them up and chased them away. When you help me up you promised you would always be there for me! That you'd always protect me!"

Alice hand shock and lowered just a little...

OoOoOoOoO

The fight between Alex and Celeste was intense. They both had super speed, strength and agility making it impossible for bystanders to keep track of the action.

Alex rolled to avoid Celeste's sword, drawing her knife and slicing through the tendons of her ankles.

"AEIIIEEEEEEE!"

"Should have worn boots instead of those stupid sandals," Alex muttered before Celeste quickly recovered and stabbed Alex through the thick leg muscles above her knee.

"Fuck," it had been a rookie mistake, never EVER get overconfident. sue fighting 101, don't rest until the bitch is dead. They just don't react like normal people. Kinda like action movies where someone can get shot but do backflips in the next scene. Celeste stood up despite her crippling injuries, seized Alex's knife and buried it hilt-deep in her shoulder. Alex tried to make a move with her sword, but one stroke of Celeste's blade reduced it to ash.

I still have a working leg and arm damn it and I intend to use them. She struggled to stand up but Celeste snapped her fingers and vines sprang out of the ground to die up Alex's wrists and ankles. Super strength didn't help.

"What the hell did you make these out of, mithril?" Alex muttered, tugging on them.

"So this is where it ends slayer, is this the best the SSU can do?" She stood over Alex with her golden sword poised to run her through.

Alex panicked and remembered what she had been told back at Hogwarts, by the sues that knew Celeste best. She had killed ten slayers in the past, just like this. Alex jerked her head up to look her in the eyes. If this was where it ended, she wouldn't die a coward. Dark red blood stained the sand.

A growl and a strange growling noise told her that Tassie had been detained by a sue pet of some kind.

Just then, a "_silver arrow of moonlight_" pierced Celeste through her back. Alex tried to see what it was but her vision was blurring.

"Alex!" a familiar voice cried and then everything went dark.

Just as Celeste toppled over Dexter sprang from the jungle shadows in his full tiger form. With a snarl he pounced on Celeste and ripped the cat pended from around her neck. Growling he sliced her moon white/sun-kissed with his 2 inch claws.

Jackie stood there with the "_silver bow of Artemis_".

"So, should we kills her?" she asked while Celeste continued to bleed heavily.

Deamus threw aside the "magical shield of Ares", scooped Alex up and carried her off.

"I'll be there is a minute," Raven called. "She might need blood."

Jackie stared at her.

"It's how we kept her fed on the journey over here, I don't mind Alex drinking my blood as long as she doesn't take too much."

There was more rustling in the trees when Alice came stumbling out griping her bleed shoulder.

"Yeah no one worry about me. I just have a few broken ribs, a sprained ankle and a hole in my shoulder. I'll just sit here and bleed out while you take care of the immortal vampire," Alice said with mild competed.

She sat down on the soft sandy, clearly in a bad mood. Weather it was because maybe she lost the fight between her sister or she won they couldn't tell.

"That means we've got to wrap things up here quickly. How did you go with Maybell?"

" I" Alice paused for a second, like she was trying to think of the right worlds, " took care of her"

Just then, Celeste made a desperate move to escape. Jackie let out a war cry and seized a rock. She beat Celeste over the head with it and the queen Mary sue burst into pink glitter.

"What the hell?" Raven yelled.

"What? I just killed her for you."

"She can't die the normal way!"Raven yelled giving Jackie a shove.

"She has to be stabbed through the heart! Who knows where she's gone now."

Alice looked around, whatever sues where left and fled to the mountains by now and the sky seen to take on a purple shade.

"Guys its getting worse," Alice called to the others.

"Oh crap," Raven swore. "This had better not be any more sues arriving, we're in no shape for a fight."

Alex woke up feeling like she had been hit by a truck.

"Aw crap."

"Alex!" cried an enthusiastic voice. She looked up and saw a familiar face looking down at her with puppy-like enthusiasm.

"Deamus?"

"Alex! I was so worried about you and Raven said were worried about me..."

"Deamus," Alex held up a hand. "Please stop talking."

"How silly of me, you are grievously wounded." He looked around. Before she could stop him, he had grabbed her knife and tried to cut one of the veins in his wrist. He was pressing down with the knife but not realli achieving anything.

"Deamus, don't -"

"It's alright Alex," he said gently "_his voice conveying tenderness and centuries of unspoken love_". "You need it more than I do."

She remembered what happened to Tassie when he tasted sue blood, the results had been less than fantastic. When she looked at the red line on his wrist she saw his blood was the colour of dark red wine rather than glittery pink, that had to be a good sign. And where his eyes a duller shade of blue than they had been before?

Then she heard Raven yell outside.

"Fuck it," that didn't sound good. At worst, Raven would have to clobber her over the head. "Deamus, gimme your neck, it's easier."

He lifted her into his lap and she wrapped one arm around his neck and shoulders, sinking her fangs into his flesh.

And it felt like she'd been giving a hit of heroin.

He made a gasping noise and pulled her closer. She didn't mind, all she could think about was the delicious taste of his blood. She could feel her injuries healing and once it was over she felt as good as new.

They could hear Alice making face hurling sounds a few feet away.

There was always a weird high and a feeling of peace that went after feeding, like a night of good sex. Unfortunately, it turned out Deamus was the cuddling type. She licked the wound on his neck and he giggled like a little girl.

"That tickles."

"Tough titties sweetheart, vampires spit helps your wound to close so you don't bleed everywhere."

"So you do love me!" he giggled like a little girl with a crush.

"I am growing fond of you Deamus, but don't push it. And no more giggling." She was surprised to find that she still sounded like her normal self. Last time she had been this close to him he had turned her into a sobbing soft-hearted wreck.

"At once, my lady."

She gave him a kiss on the spot where she'd bitten him and got off him.

"What are you looking at?" she asked when she noticed him staring.

"Those pants are giving me some bad ideas," he grinned. For the first time he sounded like an actual guy, not just a puppy crossed with Prince Charming.

" GA! My mind! I need to bleach it!" Alice yelled.

"Keep it to yourself Deamus, we haven't got time. Raven is in trouble."

Outside, the dark purple sky started to spin and a swirling vortex formed. The pink glitter that had once been Celeste rose up into the air and formed her face.

"You have not seen the last of me!" she screeched before Alex, Raven and Deamus rushed onto the scene.

"Get back here you big titted bitch!" Alex screamed. "I'll strangle you with your own G-string! I'll stuff your mouth full of this stupid sparkling sand until you choke!"

"As for you!" she looked at Deamus. "You're coming with me pretty boy!"

Deamus started to rise up into the air and he screamed like a little girl.

"Alex!"

"Don't worry Deamus! I'll track down this big haired harpy and beat her to death with her own stupid shoes!"

"I love you Alex!" he screamed and disappeared into the vortex. After that, the sky went back to its normal shade of blue and the sand stopped glittering.

" I died, I died and gone to hell,' Alice mumbled to herself. " I'm trapped in a god awful romance book, this is my hell."

"Alex," Raven prompted her. "Some of the sue fled into the mountains but Alice had broken limbs and blood loss, we need to take her home."

Alex nodded.

"I'm going to blow up their fortress, just in case."

" That's my job damnit!" Alice pouted, she cried to cross her arms but winced in pain and decided it was best to stay still.

Jackie coughed.

"What is it?" Raven snapped.

"I had an idea. What if I stay here and kill any more sues that pop up and the ones that fled into the mountains? That way you can move onto your sexy adventure, savvy?"

"Yes!" Shark Lady yelled from the water. "I'll help! We'll eat their flesh and drink their blood."

"Are you sure?" Raven glared. "After the fantastic job you did with Celeste?"

"Now you've told me about the heart-stones I can do a better job, savvy?"

"Okay, here's the thing. No more with the "savvy" you get me?

Hanging off Jack's identity is what's stopping you from evolving into your own person instead of a clique."

"Sav- I mean yeah, I got you."

"Good, once we get Alice home we can figure out where she's gone."

"I know," said a weak voice. Tobey had finally regained consciousness. He almost fell over and had to lean on Beth. "I heard the two guards talking about it when they thought I was asleep. They're headed for Smallville."

"Smallville...like Superman, as in D.C Comics?" Alice hissed the last part like it was a cruse.

Raven laughed. "Oh that's right, you're a Marvel. Yes as in Superman. Oh wait a minute that's not good, they'll be super sues left right and centre."

" I refuse to go," Alice said firmly, " If I see that two-bit Gary Stu Clark Kent I'll punch him is his pretty boy face!"

"First things first, we get you back to Headquarters, then we can worry about the details. See it this way, at least in the DC universe you'll be allowed to have your powers back," Raven told her.

" But I won't be a Mutant! I'll be some wussy alien or crack freak like that Flash," Alice pouted.

"They have meta human," Raven told her. "They're kinda like mutants in that it's something in the genes. I don't know too much about it though. But come on, we'll get you back to HQ so they can take a look at those broken bones. We can decide where to go to from there."

"Fine" Alice said, she was in a fair amount of pain and wanted to get herself fixed up.

Alex pulled out her communications device.

"Kay, we need a portal. Celeste has fled but we know where she's headed next. We have Tobey and a cured sue. Alice is hurt and need immediate medical attention."

"Not that hurt," mumbled Alice as she looked at the sand. She did not like feeling this helpless.

"Maybe so," Raven could sense that Alice was feeling a little uncomfortable. "But we don't want an infection or anything to set in."

"Can I come with you?" Beth asked.

"Sure," Raven told her.

Just then a spinning blue portal appeared. Beth and Toby stepped through first.

"Raven, you and Alice next."

"Need help, Alice?" Raven asked. "Can you walk ok?"

" I can walk just fine!" Alice snapped stubbornly as she got up slowly. She took one step then fell flat on her face. "ow,"

Dexter let out a meow of laughter and ran throw the portal before Alice could strangle his furry neck.

Raven scooped up Alice before she could protest and carried her through the portal.

Alex could hear Alice screaming something about mounting Raven's head on a mantel above her fireplace right before they disappeared in the portal.

Alex turned to Jackie and the Shark Lady and said two words before she stepped through the portal.

"Good luck."


	11. Epilogue: Deamus

There was pain and there was cold, the only two things Deamus could feel anymore.

He was curled up on the bottom of his cell, wearing only a pair of jeans. The white padded walls provided little insulation. The only way out was the small door on the other side of his cell.

He shivered, the cold never bothered him before but now it was driving him crazy. It didn't make sense, Gary Stus were designed to be able to walk around shirtless without freezing. Bad things weren't supposed to happen to him. They happened to other people, but his life was supposed to be perfect, all the good and none of the bad. Is this what Alex was trying to tell him? That you could only live life like this for so long before bad things started happening? Maybe she was trying to warn him and he hadn't listened, clinging to the naïve belief that she could join him in this perfect life. He wished Alex were here, she always seemed to know what to do.

Fear clung to him like the icy cold when the door of his cell opened. Celeste strode him and smiled at him. It was a cold smile, for all her beauty he couldn't understand why men loved her so much. She was beautiful on the outside, but inside she was cold and heartless, a true monster. Was this another thing that Alex had been trying to tell him? That beauty on the inside was more important than the outside?

"Good morning, lover."

Everything about her from her voice, to her personality and demeanour was cold, heartless and devoid of any warmth or humanity. Maybe it was worth becoming human, he could even face the bad stuff if it would stop him from ever becoming like her.

"Did we sleep well?" He could see her fangs as she smiled. Celeste changed with her moods, but the form of a vampire was the one she used most. Was it some kind of plan to turn him off vampires? Or was she so obsessed with Alex by now that it reflected in her choice of appearance?

She was so angry when she discovered her seduction powers didn't work on him. Every day she could come to his cell and prove her dominance with some new torture. She would take a bit of blood then he was her property for the next few hours, hers to play with like a cat with a dying bird. Sometimes she would electrocute him, sometimes it was cutting, sometimes she would do things to him that were sexual in nature but he never enjoyed it. No matter what she did to him, he called it torture. He never consented but his cries and refusals always fell on deaf ears. It was her own pleasure she cared for. She was cold, heartless and selfish and he would never love her. He was beginning to believe that his pain was all part of it, that she enjoyed it. What kind of person enjoyed the pain of others? This he knew, was true evil. Not the weak forms of it that other "dark" sues claimed to be like.

_They stick to mildly nasty and call it evil_

Celeste…nothing could be worse than her.

"What's the matter, you don't look excited to see me."

"No," he told her weakly. He knew she wouldn't listen, but it seemed important somehow, important that he rebel in any way that he could. He would never submit willingly. She only chuckled and sank her teeth into his neck. It wasn't the same as when Alex bit him, when Alex bit him it stung for a moment and then he was on a high, it made him feel a desire that was like a hunger. All he knew was that he had wanted to kiss her, taste her, touch her, with a desire that made him burn. Then he felt happy and complete and he knew that he loved her. Alex made him feel both love and desire, thing he hadn't felt before. He knew now that the weak forms of love he had felt before were watered down versions of love and happiness, pre-programmed into him like a computer. Was this was it was like to be human, feeling overwhelmed with powerful emotions and living a life where pain and happiness lived in a balance?

When Celeste was finished he felt dirty, violated and drained, not at all like the way he felt with Alex.

Thinking of Alex was the only thing that kept him going. Before Alex love was all innocent kisses and moonlit walks. But Alex was all passion and a hot desire that made him burn, he had never known a woman like Alex before and he wanted her more than anything else. He saw her for what she really was, Alex was a seductive darkness, not the empty frosty evil he saw in Celeste. Alex was dark, but a darkness he wanted to submit to. He wanted to feel Alex's bite, he wanted to feel the high that would allow him to escape the pain. Alex was a killer, but he could accept that. She killed for good reason, Celeste killed and tortured for pleasure. He wanted to submit to Alex, submitting to Celeste would never be an option. He would die first.

_Don't worry Deamus! I'll track down this big haired harpy and beat her to death with her own stupid shoes!_

Alex had promised that she would find him, it was what he clung to like the stuffed bear he was clung to as a child to chase away the nightmares.

What? Where did this memory come from? He had never remembered his childhood before. Was it possible he was developing a back-story? Separating from his author, the faceless being who had created him then abandoned him? He wanted control over his own life, that much he knew and he would have to seperate from his author to do that. He felt Celeste caress his body and he shrank away from her touch.

_No._

"Get off me."

Celeste only laughed as she continued to violate him.

_Alex, where are you?_

A/N: As so closes "the death of mary sue 3", I hope you will join us for Part 4, The smallville chapter. I know this chapter was kinda written in a dramatic Mary Sue kinda way, but that's because it's narrated by Deamus who doesn't know how to express himself any other way. _  
_


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